Saturday, December 22, 2007

Happy Holidays to everyone in Blog Land. Things here are fairly busy with the holiday buzz, shopping, wrapping, etc. J is doing okay, but still needs a lot of work with the counselor. She comes about twice per week. He has been through a lot and we just need to be patient. It's so tough. I have to remember that TM and I are new to this too not just we need to cut ourselves some slack too!

I had my 23 week appt this past week and everything looks to be going well. I didn't feel the baby too much yesterday and was worried this morning, but the little bugger is moving around quite a bit today - what a relief.

It's so strange to feel excitement instead of apprehension. Not to think constantly about when the next shoe is going to drop. It is such a strange emotion and I am not used to it. At all.

I have a friend who is also expecting (her third) and she is ho hum about the whole thing. Last weekend at a Christmas party all of the ladies were talking and everyone there had an "oops" pregnancy. How annoying. For some people pregnancy and healthy babies seem to be the easy and the norm. Why is it for others that so desperately want to have a baby that it is so difficult? The universe is fxxxxx up. Seriously. My prayers this holiday season will be for all fellow infertiles out there to have their holiday wish come true in the upcoming year. I know that this time of year is difficult for so many. I am right there with all of you. Every step of the way. Do not feel alone.

On another important note, please say a prayer for a dear friend of mine today. 5 years ago she was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Unfortunately, the cancer has returned. She is young with a beautiful two year old and wonderful husband. She is an inspiration to so many. Keep her in your thoughts this holiday season.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

I am a delinquent poster. Sorry all, for the lack of updates.

Things here are going okay. J is adjusting to school and to our home. TM and I knew that starting off at parenting with an 11 year old would be tough, but didn't know how tough. J has been through a lot. Situations that no one, much less a child, should have to go through. I will save the family drama for another time as it is a long story. We have started him (and us) in counseling to help work through some of the current issues that we are having as well as working through some of the baggage that he inherited from his mother. So far the counseling is approximately 5 hours per week but we could increase it if we need to. Based upon today, it is looking like we will need to. Hopefully, all of this will work out to his (and our) benefit.

The counselor is helping TM and I with parenting skills as well. She is great. I really like her a lot.

Onto pregnancy updates - things are going well. We went into our 20 week us on Tuesday and everything seemed to be ok. I will be calling my Dr. tomorrow just to make sure. The radiology center that I went to sends the results to the Dr directly (takes two business days). The tech did say that she didn't see anything that she needed to bring to the attention to the radiologist and that he would be in if he felt that he needed to. He didn't show up. The tech also said that I would find out that day from my Dr. if there was an issue. So I am hoping that no news is good news.

I am feeling ok; getting big enough not to fit into my regular clothes so some shopping is in order, but it has been hard to make the time between the counseling, work, karate practice, yada yada - you know the drill. I wanted to be excited to go shopping so that is another reason that I have been putting it off. Now that the 20 week marker is behind us I am feeling more confident. I did buy a couple of shirts and pairs of jeans last weekend, but need some more shirts and pants for work. Also, probably a coat.

I have so much to say but have to run. Regular posts to follow. Thanks everyone for checking in with me. I really appreciate it.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Well, the second OB appt was yesterday. We visited with the NP instead of the OB. We won't see the OB until our Dec appt. I am comfortable with the NP so this is okay. This office is so great. I love it there. So glad that I switched.

I am definitely not used to not having ultrasounds all of the time. Yesterday was our first experience with the doppler instead of the ultrasound. Liking the doppler, very cool; however, not as cool as the good ol' US. So, we'll have to wait until 20 weeks for the next look. I am so hoping that the 20 week scan turns out with everything okay. I am still a mess with worry. I know that worrying the way that I am is not healthy and that putting off telling everyone is not rational, but I can't seem to let it go.

In all fairness to myself, this is nothing new. I worry about everything. I have been this way ever since I was little - will I get the question right in class? Does so and so like me? Yada Yada. That being said, I do prioritize my worrying. Right now, this pregnancy is occupying my full worry attention. The 1st trimester screening blood test came back with a low PAPP-A. This could indicate placental problems so from what the NP said it sounds like they have moved me to high risk for the 3rd trimester. Does anyone know anything about this? Info would be appreciated. The genetic counselor said that there could be some correlation but no one is quite sure. So, we will be getting US from 24 weeks on to make sure that the placenta is able to support the baby properly.

TM has laid down the law, so we will be telling the remainder of the family this weekend, but I negotiated to tell friends, work at a later date. TBD.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Trombone practice is painful

J is a great kid. Did you know that middle school kids have HAVE to play in the band? So, J picked the trombone.

Ol' McDonald has a farm - eieio. For an hour???? Argggghghghghghgh.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Thanks so much for all of the kind words on my last post. I think that it is going to take me a long time to feel okay. We are still not telling anyone. I just don't want to right now. I know that when we do share, whomever we tell will be so excited and I want to be able to match that excitement. And right now I am emotionally and physically exhausted.

We have had the option to find out the sex of the baby for a couple of weeks now (part of the CVS test results) and I have declined. TM would like to know and is wondering why I didn't ask before. I said that I wanted us to find out together at our next appt instead of over the phone, but the truth is, I feel like knowing the gender will make this so much more real for me. I want to be excited and happy, but I am afraid. Really afraid that if I do feel excited and happy that it could be taken away. Not rational, I know - but real to me nonetheless.

My next OB appt is Thursday........maybe I'll feel more confident then. My MIL & Dad are impatient for the remainder of the family to find out. But they are being patient.

Onto other things - J has been here for about a month now. Poor guy, the minute he gets here we hit crisis mode. He is unaware of everything that is going on and seems to be really happy. I am so glad that he is here. It feels like he has been a part of our family for a long time now. He has been great. I am amazed that he is such a happy kid even with all that he has been through. I need to take lessons from him! He started a sports activity and is doing really well in school. Halloween should be a lot of fun. We have already been to get pumpkins at a farm, gone to a fall festival, and on numerous fun shopping trips together. He loves to go go go. I truly think that God sent him to us. We need him just as much as he needs us.

Thursday, October 18, 2007


Thanks so much to everyone checking in on me during the last few weeks. I appreciate your kind thoughts and support more than you could ever know. I apologize for not commenting too much lately - I will be catching up this weekend!

The past few weeks have been hard. Ranking up among the worst. I always thought that if I was ever blessed enough to become pregnant that I was going to enjoy each and every moment. I would be so excited to tell everyone, and I would anxiously await the impending arrival of our baby. This has not been the case so far.

Initially, I was excited and a little overwhelmed. I wasn't sure how to go forward from being a veteran IF and IVF'er to achieving the first goal - a beta. Then waiting on the second beta. Further onto the 1st ultrasound and second ultrasound. Seeing the 1st OB - who sucked, then onto the 2nd OB. Both betas looked great, first ultrasound indicated that a second ultrasound was necessary (required before graduation from the fertility clinic to the OB due to the heart rate not being as high on the first ultrasound as they would have liked). Graduation followed by a completely useless visit to the first OB with a switch to the new OB (who is great). Spotting throughout the first 12 weeks was scary, but the second OB assured me that this was not unusual.

During my appt with the 2nd OB (a Thursday), she wanted to do an ultrasound. She conducted the first few minutes and then left the tech to do all of the complicated measurements, etc. The tech turns out to be a former employee of my fertility clinic - so she knows what she is doing. Then out of nowhere - Whammo. She measured (consistently -took the measurement about 10 times) the NT at 2.7m. On the high side of normal.

Of course, I freaked out. We had already scheduled our first trimester screening for the next Monday - so I didn't need to make any appointments, but I knew enough to be concerned with this turn of events. Needless to say the next few days were really tense.

On the next Monday, I was in for the 1st trimester screening. Whammo again. NT measurement 2.8m. My blood was taken to run the PAPP-A (sp?) and the Beta HCG tests. Basically all three test results combined go into the computer and spit out your odds for Trisomy 13, 18, 21 and I think that there is one more. On Wednesday the results were in - 1:12 for Trisomy 21.

At this point, all of the waiting combined with the anxiety had kept me close to the edge of normal, but after the phone call from the genetic counselor with the 1:12 chance of Downs, I lost it. I was emotional, irrational, and basically a complete mess. I scheduled the CVS without a second thought. I had to know. I researched online about CVS, Trisomy 21, and read numerous numerous personal accounts of screening tests that were positive (although usually around 1:100 chance, no one had a result as high as mine).

The CVS test was scheduled for the next Monday (so far away from that Wednesday). Only one Dr. could do the test at my clinic and he was out of town. So after many anxious nights, contemplation, praying, and little to no sleep, Monday was here. The test itself was tough but once it was over I felt some relief.

We opted to do both the FISH test (similar to the PGD testing), with preliminary results coming back within 2-3 business days, and the more thorough test which tested all chromosomes but took 7-10 days.

We heard on Wednesday last week that the FISH test for Trisomy 13, 18, and 21 were all negative. I never cried so much in all my life. The feeling was unlike anything that I had ever felt before. Relief combined with guilt for assuming the worst. I kept thinking - what if things had gone the other way? I thanked God immediately and have everyday since.

And yesterday we got the results from the thorough test - normal on all counts. I can't believe it. God has truly blessed TM and I and our little one. I send my prayers of thanks to him every day. I was so scared - scared of the future, scared of myself, scared of everything. I realize now that I am not as strong a person as I thought I was. I am selfish for wanting everything to be okay and normal. I only thought of myself and how everything was going to affect me. I am really disappointed in myself. I don't feel like I deserve to be a mom.

I am so relieved that everything is okay - I just don't feel deserving. Does this make sense?

We haven't shared the news about the pregnancy with anyone since the last time that I posted - so almost everyone is still in the dark. I am still in my regular clothes (I lost some weight during this whole experience) so no one is suspecting. I am not sure when we will share the news.

Friday, September 28, 2007

J Is Here!

J is finally here! He arrived on Tuesday and things are going well so far. He is a great kid. Today we are registering him for school and he will meet TM's parents (who are so excited). He has already started to make friends with the neighborhood kids and seems to be having a great time. I am so happy that he has joined our family.

Yesterday was the 2nd OB appt and I am so glad that we switched. It was a great appt and our Dr. was super nice. The practice is well organized and right near my house. I couldn't be happier with the switch. We had another ultrasound and all is well. The baby's heartrate is great. I guess that there is an old wives tale that the higher the heartbeat the more likely the baby is a girl. So the Dr. joked and said that she liked to guess the sex and that she guessed a girl. It was surreal to hear that and see the baby jump all around. Like this was actually happening. I am serious when I say that if I didn't "know" that I was pregnant, I would have no idea. My symptoms have mostly gone away, I have lost some weight, and sometimes I actually forget and have to remind myself to take it easy. The crinone and estrace are no more, so I am not forced to get up early and remember my meds. This has been the longest that I haven't been on meds in two years. Kind of weird.

Monday is our 1st trimester screen. Once that is over I think that all of this will seem more real to me. I am worried but hoping that everything is okay. I keep thinking, "what if". In fact, we haven't told too many people because I want to know that everything is okay before we do.

I worry about everything. I truly thought yesterday that it was over, that I would go in for the ultrasound and the heartbeat would not be there and that we would hear the "I'm so sorry" speach. I get myself so worked up, convinced that something is always wrong with something. Not rational, and I know that I am being unrational, but I can't seem to shake it. This is not just with this situation, but with everything. Is this person mad at me, did I do everything right at work, what will we do if this happens. It is so frustrating. I wish that I could turn off my brain sometimes and just rest. It is exhausting worrying about everything all of the time.

So, like Scarlett, I am going to think about that tomorrow (hopefully).

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Ho Hum?

Sorry for the delay in posting - I have been out of pocket contemplating life. So many things are happening right now and I am not sure how I feel about any/all of it.

Finally Finally Finally - J will be arriving next Tuesday. I am excited, but worried. Will he be happy here? Will TM and I be able to handle it? The worries go on and on...

The horrific experience with the OB is behind me. I have an appt next week with another office that comes highly recommended. Hopefully it will go well. Tuesday I meet with the nurse to go over everything, Thursday I meet with the Dr. Then the Monday next I go in for my first trimester screening. I am hoping that everything is okay - I have been having spotting pretty consistently and I am worried............

We have only told a few people - the in-laws, my dad and a couple of friends - because I am so worried that something may/could happen.

It feels like all of this is just happening to me, that I am not participating -just going through the motions. I am moody and TM keeps fighting me on everything. He doesn't understand why I am not happy. I can't make him understand that the past two years have been awful, I have been used to disappointment and heartbreak for so long that I am worried that the other shoe is about to drop. Why can't he get that?

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I feel guilty that I am not more positive - I am just not sure how to get beyond these fears and worries.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Looking for an OB

Wow, things have changed since Tuesday. I am super tired, weepy, unable to focus too well, and experiencing general nausea. Last night, I was pretty sick for a few hours. These are all welcome symptoms. I have waited so long for this moment that I am going to take all of this in stride. With that being said, I am not not not going to settle on an OB.

Let me back up, I went to the OB yesterday. The OB/Gyn office came recommended and the visit was a clusterF from beginning to end. I arrived 15 minutes early as requested (for an early morning appointment with paperwork filled out ahead of time) and was not on my way back to work until over 2 and 1/2 hours later. Now, if this was quality time, I would have been super happy - it was not. I waited to be seen for over an hour (big practice, my Dr. was not on call with an emergency). Upon asking the receptionist for a key to the bathroom, since I had been waiting so long, she mentioned that they needed to do a urine analysis. She brought me to the bathroom in the back, gave me a blank urine cup (without my name on it) and told me just to leave it in the bathroom when I was done. Now, since my name was not on the cup, I mentioned to the receptionist (receptionist not nurse mind you) that the cup was on the counter as requested. She looked confused - was not sure why I was telling her this. I told her that my name was not on it so I wanted to make sure that it did not get forgotten. The office was in complete chaos. Files were everywhere. The only computers that I saw were for making appointments. There were food particles on the receptionist check out counter, the bathroom was dirty along with the rest of the office (dust, dirt, walls were all scuffed up, carpet was ripped up in many places, etc). It makes me sqeamish just thinking about it.

About 20 minutes after peeing in the cup, I was brought back and weighed and asked my due date. This indicated to me that this nurse (nurse practitioner) did not review any of the paperwork that I brought in from the fertility clinic which clearly indicated all of this pertinent information. She then took me to the Dr's office and told me that he would be in shortly, about 20 more minutes later he finally showed up. He did not have my paper chart (and as mentioned previously - no computer to refer to) and proceeded to ask me all kinds of questions that I filled out on all of the paperwork before I showed up. He mentioned that I should eat whatever, drink whatever, and not to pay attention to any guidance that suggested otherwise. I mentioned that I don't drink caffeine due to acid reflux and he then mentioned that it shouldn't be a problem to go back to caffeine. In short, he did not ask me any questions whatsoever. Then he wanted to proceed to the "new" ultrasound machine. He let me know that he had not yet been trained on the "new" ultrasound machine (my clinic has had the exact model of this machine ever since I started there two years ago). Are you Fxxxing kidding me. I was his training case. Unbelievable. So after four, count em four, times trying to get a picture with the magic wand (four condoms, gobs of gel that I got to deal with all day if you know what I mean, and 4 rough and I mean rough insertions), he resorted to the stomach cam. He saw the heartbeat and pronounced that all was well. What the fxxx. I am not a rookie here. I asked for a measurement please, meaning baby measurement and heartbeat measurement. He could not obtain these on the new ultrasound and had to wheel in the old ultramachine into the exam room. and I got the pleasure of a fifth wanding. As I type this I am still in amazement. Guess what, the old ultrasound machine doesn't measure heartrates. Why was I surprised? They then told me that they needed bloodwork and guess where the blood is drawn - in the same exam room as the internal exams. Then they had the nerve to charge me.

I couldn't get out of that joint fast enough. So now, I am on the hunt for an OB that may hopefully fulfill the following:

1) Qualifed Dr's
1) Professionalism
2) Clean office
3) Competent Staff
4) Up to date equipment and training

I may have just had a completely bad experience that was random for this office, but for this many things to go wrong....I just don't reel comfortable going back.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007


Nothing like coming back from vacation! Work yesterday and today - not as much fun as the beach.

The weather was great and we had a good time - I sure could use another week or so.

Anyway, since we were on vacation last week, I had to schedule my follow-up scan for today. I started spotting before my first scan and that has continued through today, so I was so worried. But everything went well, measuring 8w1d and heartbeat at 171. I am breathing a bit easier.

The RE did not seem too worried about the spotting and I'll double check with the OB on Friday. I feel so much more relaxed.

I haven't been reading or commenting too much lately due to bad internet connection on vacation. I'll be catching up this week!

Thursday, August 23, 2007

1st scan today

We went in for our first scan today at 6w2d and did see one sac (measured at 6w1d) with a heartbeat (well, everyone did but me anyway). I feel like Rachel in the episode of Frie*nds where she pretended to see the baby on the us monitor with the Dr. in the room, but really couldn't. I am not sure how I am feeling right now. The Dr. wants us to come back in a week for another ultrasound. Is this good or bad? I don't know. I didn't feel like I got a straight answer. She said to go ahead and make an appt for an OB and was very congratulatory, but I felt like she was a little guarded.

Question for blogland - the heartbeat was measured twice at 103 and 105. I have tried to find info this afternoon and everything is so vague. Anyone know if this is in the normal range or not. I get the idea that this is on the bottom edge of the range and that has me worried.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

2nd Beta

Good news today - 2nd HCG at 21dpo or 16dp5dt = 3700. This is a doubling time of 1.63 days.

Now, I must admit - I do not know a lot about HCG, beta doubling times, etc. I have been spending a little bit of time researching it, but am a little bit lost. The ranges are huge! I can tell that I am within the normal range but not sure what this means. Is this high or mid-level or what?

Any help on understanding this would be appreciated.

I have not yet scheduled my scan for next week. I am conducting some training in the early part of the week, plus I would like to wait until it is more likely that we will see a heartbeat (hopefully), so I am leaning towards Thurs/Friday - this would bring to about 6w2-3d. I realize that this is still early, but I am leaving on Sat for vacation. I definitely don't want to wait another week and a half for the scan.

Monday, August 13, 2007

The System

The system is getting me down. Really down. It doesn't look like J will be here by next week. In fact, it could be more than a few weeks until all of the paperwork is taken care of.

I am so frustrated! We have been working closely with both states and the holdup is on our fingerprint checks. No one can call to check on these as there is no point of contact to call. What? If private industry functioned this way, then there would be hell to pay, but the gov't - SOP - standard operating procedure. Arggghhh. The thing that frustrates me most is that he would be better off here! We are family and he is currently in a group home situation. One background check has been completed - we are just waiting on two other background checks. Why everything isn't in one database further backs up my point that the system is broken. Once again if private industry worked this way...... To further compound the problem, the individuals working this case are both part timers with people that don't back them up (hence the zero return phone calls last week). I am so pissed off.

That being said, I understand that these background checks need to be completed. There are many bad people out there that would do things that I can't even imagine. I am not expecting special treatment here. I just expect people to do their jobs timely and to be accountable. Hence, background checker people - step it up. You are affecting people's lives here. It is not just more paperwork to plow through. So put down the 4th cup of coffee and get to work dammit.

Initially, we were thinking that we could have J come on an extended visit while the paperwork was in process. School does not start here until after Labor Day. So we would be able to vacation and J could start school here after Labor day. J started school today where he is so it doesn't make any sense for him to come out for an extended visit now until the paperwork is completed as I cannot register him for school here until the paperwork is completed.


Okay, enough bitching, I can't change the system myself (although I am trying to think of a way to call in a favor from somewhere - so that someone could make a call to get the ball rolling - I'll let you know what I find out on this front - If you know someone let me know). Onto cycle news...

My follow up HCG is tomorrow morning. No symptoms thus far - boobs slightly sore, but that's about it. I am having some wacky dreams, but I think that's just the progesterone. Oh, and my pants are tighter; however, that could be a side affect of eating too damn much. Stress is a kicker I tell you.

I am really nervous about tomorrow. I am not sure why my clinic doesn't test for an entire week after the first beta. Everyone in blog land seems to get this test done within a couple of days. If all goes well, the scan should be about a week after that. I haven't really asked about a scan as I view tomorrow as a big hurdle. Why worry about hurdle #2 until I have to I guess.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

It is HOT outside!

Man, oh man - it is hot outside today - The temp on my car thermometer said 103. 103??? I don't live in the desert or the rainforest. Damn. I think that my contacts actually fogged up when I walked outside for lunch today!

I want to let everyone know how much I appreciate the supportive comments and well wishes. The ride has been a long one and it is not even close to being over - I make it through each day knowing that my blog friends are going through this with me and really understand what IF is all about. You guys rock!

The news yesterday was great. My first real BFP. I am excited... however, I know that there are many milestones ahead. So, I am trying not to get too excited.

As far as symptoms go - I really haven't had any. My boobs are a little sore - but it varies from day to day. The lack of symptoms has stressed me out. On Monday night, I scoured the web looking for other people's experiences. Most people had cramping of some sort. When I didn't have any I was worried. Oh well, I can't micromanage my body......even though I try sometimes.

We are staying busy trying to manage the foster care placement situation - my case worker is out all week on an emergency (as is her supervisor); thus I am starting to get worried that J won't be here by the week of the 20th. I really want him to be able to go with us on vacation and have some good quality time with us before school starts. I will call the on-call worker again each day until I have some resolution....

Tuesday, August 7, 2007


Today has been a whirlwind! It started this morning at 3:30am. I couldn't sleep thinking about today's test results - not wanting to drive to the clinic, try to make it through the blood draw without crying, make it through the day at work without losing it - so I decided that knowing before the BFN phone call was better than hoping all day.

So at 3:30am I got up and took a HPT. I didn't put my contacts in, so I really couldn't see what I was doing. It took me a minute to figure out that I was looking at the back of the HPT - I panicked for a minute thinking that I had a bum model with no screen. Superstar that I am, I finally figured out to turn the HPT around and look at the screen. It was positive! I could make out the second line clear as day (even without my contacts). I was so excited that I ran in and woke up TM.

He was completely startled (he is a super deep sleeper). I believe that the quote was "What the hell?" I shoved the HPT in his face and said "It's positive!" He squinted at it through sleepy eyes and said, "I thought that you weren't supposed to take the HPT, that you might not get an accurate result" I replied that I thought that it should work. We then tried to go back to sleep - riiighht. Like that was going to happen. About an hour and a half later, I tested again (just to make sure that I didn't get a false positive the first time). Positive again! At this point sleep was pointless. I got up and took a shower and drove to the clinic and was there over an hour early (I am never early for anything!).

So, blood was drawn and the wait commenced. I was not yet convinced that the HPT's worked (thanks to the doubt provided by TM earlier). I got the call at 11:30, thankfully the wait was not long. Here's the big news:

1st Beta - 190 at 9 days past 5 day transfer.

The nurse said that the number is really great. My follow up beta is scheduled for next Tuesday. That seems like a long time to me........

Right now, I don't think that all of this has sunk in. I was so prepared for another BFN that a BFP didn't even cross my mind.

Sunday, August 5, 2007


Discovery Health Channel keeps reminding me to congratulate the Duggar's on the newest addition to their family. Jennifer is their 17th child. 17th? That's 13 years of pregnancy folks.

Maybe Mrs Duggar would consider ED? Think I should ask?

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Cycle Update and More.........

It's been a long week with some bad news and some good news - hey, I'll take any good news these days, beggars can't be choosers.

Re: the bad news: none of the remaining 5 embryos made it to blast. In my mind, this does not mean good news for this cycle. In fact, I am pretty pissed off about it. Three sets of eggs (two of donors and me) and no significant blasts from anyone but me (the bad egg woman). Go figure. The embryologist stated that they transferred two good ones, whatever that means. Now, if I seem cynical, it's because I am. I am tired, tired, tired of trying with nothing to show for it. I haven't been stressing too much about the 2ww since I pretty much think that this cycle is over anyway. The nurses and TM say to be "positive", but come on - let's face the big picture here, statistically no blasts remaining probably means that the ones transferred suffered the same fate. I don't know what to think anymore. The only positive is that I am finally able to hold it together without crying at the drop of a hat.

On to the good news - I have kept this quiet up until now because I wasn't sure if it would work out. It's not final yet, but here goes....................TM and I are going to be foster parents! We had our homestudy yesterday and it went really well. We saw the Dr. today. He signed off that we were healthy people (other than the IVF addiction that is - ha ha). So, we are now just waiting on the system to get everything in place.

We recently went on a trip to visit a relative who needs a home. He is 11 and is pretty excited to move in with us. We are excited to have him here! He should be here in 3 weeks or so!

This did move quickly and is partly the reason for my blog silence. We have been so busy running around getting all of the paperwork done so that he can get here before school starts. In addition, this is my busy time of year at work so that has been crazy.

I have a feeling that we are in for some equally busy times ahead, but I am certainly excited about it!

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Transfer #9

Transfer Day today! Hopefully this cycle is the one. I am not feeling anxious but I am also not feeling optimistic. I guess that being a veteran takes the nerves out of the whole process. I think that the extra stuff that we have going on right now is distracting me from being too obsessive.

Anyhoo, here are the stats thus far:

11 eggs retrieved
9 eggs mature
8 fertilized
8 embryos on day three
1 10 cell
3 9 cells
1 eight cell
1 seven cell
3 six cell

2 embryos transferred today (one blast and one almost blast- I don't remember the specific term, it starts with a "M").

5 embryos will continue to culture the remainder of today with the possibility of freezing tomorrow if they make it to blast.

This last part is new for me - not sure what it means that 5 did not make it to blast by today. Is that good or bad? The Doc didn't say that it was a bad thing just that they needed a little bit more time to culture. He didn't seem concerned (but then again he never does).

So, I have been laying around today - sleeping through most of the day - thanks to my good friend Vitamin V (Valium).

Tomorrow starts the review of a pretty big project that I have had at work. I am prepared so I am not too worried about it; it will actually keep me busy this week so that I am not obsessing about symptoms.

Congrats to Serenity! She got her BFP yesterday and I am so excited for her.

Thoughts and prayers are with Lara and JJ for their upcoming betas! I am thinking about you girls.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Cycle News

Things went well yesterday with the retrieval. 11 eggs retrieved, 9 mature, and 8 fertilized. We will find out on Friday how many make it to the three day mark. We are shooting for a five day blast transfer.

To be completely honest, I have been trying not to think too much about this cycle. This may be self-protection against the disappointment of another BFN - I am not sure. Or maybe, I am not over the DE solution. I don't know. I think that I have been really down lately due to the hormones. Lupron stopped yesterday morning so I am only about one day out. The estrogen didn't provide a pick me up this cycle - not sure why. I started the progesterone yesterday evening. I am on the gel version so I don't have to endure the IM shots which is good.

I feel a little bit overwhelmed with everything else going on for me right now. There is so much to talk about, but right now I am too tired to go into it.

Each cycle seems to get longer and longer. I am exhausted. I am worried about absolutely everything. I am sick of being a whiner and complainer. I am ready to be back to normal - but hoping that I am anything but normal for the next 40 weeks.

Here's to hoping........

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Cycle Update

Things are crazy on the home front. I have so much on my mind. Lots of things are going on in the Expectations household that are out of the norm. I will save the details for a later post.

The drama here has put me way behind on everyones posts. I want to apologize to all of my fellow bloggers out there - I will be catching up on your posts soon.

On to the cycle update. Well, retrieval is scheduled for Tuesday! The last tally was 10 mature follicles - evenly split on both the left and right with quite a few behind the leaders. My lining measured in at approx. 9 today with the triple stripe present and accounted for. We are hoping for a 5 day transfer, but we'll have to wait and see how it goes.....

I just realized that I completely forgot the get-together this evening with the D.C. crew. My apologies to all. I was really looking forward to seeing everyone again. I am bummed that I missed it. Hope that everyone had a good time.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Busy Busy

Wow, things are busy these days! I haven't been able to post for a little while due to my crazy schedule, but I have been thinking about everyone.

On to cycle news: my baseline was last Thursday (a day early due to a last minute trip out of town to visit some family). All looked good on the home front. My donor went in on Friday and started stims on Saturday. We both had bloods taken (her on Tues - me today) and all is well. She will go in for monitoring tomorrow, and I will go in on Sunday. Seems like this is going fast this time (which is good).

The Lupron symptoms seemed to quiet down as everything else began to ramp up. Work is crazy and we have some family stuff going on that is taking up a lot of our time right now. I am feeling better than I was a week ago (probably the introduction of the Estrogen into my cycle). I hope that it lasts!

Hope that everyone is well. I will be catching up on everyone's blogs this week! I also am excited to see the D.C. Queens on Sunday!

Sunday, July 8, 2007

The First Step?

I heard an interesting quote today - "You have to lose yourself in order to find yourself again".

For some time now, I have felt so lost, so alone. Not able to relate to everyone else. Wondering if there was something wrong with me - why wasn't I able to feel anything but anger and sadness? Why was I empty inside?

Each and every lost cycle compounds these feelings. The despair is overwhelming. It encompasses every aspect of my life.

Thinking about the quote above, I wonder - will I find myself again? Who will I find? Will I recognize myself?

Right now, I am trying to put myself out there. I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to be afraid of disappointment and to let that fear determine my course. Maybe this is the first step. I certainly hope so.....

Sunday, July 1, 2007

Hormonal Already?

Well, it's day 2 of injections.......and it's official, I am a bitch on this stuff. TM is gearing up for the tough road ahead.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Lupron Day 1

Today is Lupron Day 1. I feel a mixture of emotions - I am excited to be starting this new cycle, I am afraid that this cycle will be more of the same in the end, I am worried about the side effects of the Lupron............basically, I continue to be worried, concerned, etc. Nothing new here - same sxxx different day!

I have been nonchalant about this cycle up to this point. I emailed my donor coordinator for my scripts earlier this week - I made sure that I had everything by Wednesday since I thought that Friday was the 30th. Mistake numero uno. This morning I didn't remember to do the shot until I almost walked out the door to meet a friend for breakfast. Mistake numero dos. Then I didn't remember to take my baby aspirin until I reviewed my calendar this morning. Mistake numero tres. I am currently three for three! What a day so far. Wow.

I am on my way to the pharmacy to pick up the next pack of BC pills (still strikes me as soooo ironic that I am taking these), pre-natal vitamins (I love the look of the pharmacist when I check out with both of these items together - boy, do I get some weird looks), and some baby aspirin.

I am also going to pick up a calendar to write everything down on - so I don't make mistake numero quatro!

Wish me luck holding it together! It appears that it is going to be a challenge.

Friday, June 22, 2007

I had a good day today. Work went well, I got home early, enjoyed some time with the neighbors, and settled in to watch tv. All of the sudden, I am sad. Wondering if I will ever get to experience the joy of children. It is always surprising to me how fast these emotions come on.

It is the unknown that is so difficult - will it ever happen for me and TM? Will we ever get to be parents? I suppose that only time will tell......

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Here We Go Again

Well, I am almost ready to begin cycling again. I am excited to get started but a bit apprehensive. I take each cycle so seriously and can never truly relax because I view each milestone as the gateway to the next milestone. For example, this monitoring session went well, okay let's worry about the next monitoring session. Retrieval went well, but how many eggs fertilized? It's never ending. I have never had a positive result as the end of the 2ww, so the entire process is very very emotionally draining.

Regardless of all of that, it will not stop me from trying again, so for right now - I am excited to get started (insert sigh here). Here is the tentative calendar as of today:

6/30 - start Lupron and baby aspirin
7/6 - stop BCP, continue lupron (argh)
7/13 - baseline monitoring, continue lupron (argh)
7/14 - start Estrace (continue Lupron - argh)
7/18, 7/22, 7/24 - monitoring (continue Lupron - argghhh)
7/25 - retrieval, stop Lupron (yay), and start progesterone
3 or 5 day transfer after that.

My donor had a good number of eggs retrieved and embryos that made it to blast on her last cycle, so hopefully the same will apply with this cycle. She also is no longer an IVF newbie so that is reassuring. My coordinator said that she is excited to cycle again so I am happy to hear that.

I am all stocked up on some extra strength T*ylenol, so Lupron - you better watch out this time!

Well, onto other news - earlier this week I met up with the D.C. Queens. We had a wonderful time. Thanks to LJ for coordinating such a great get together. I am already looking forward to next time!

Monday, June 18, 2007

She Lights Up The Room With Her Smile

A close friend of mine has been on my mind a lot recently. She is such a wonderful giving person. I have often wished that I could be more like her - she lights up a room with her smile and has a positive attitude about absolutely everything. She found her soul mate (they are proof that this actually exists!)- in her mid-twenties. They are like two peas in a pod and want children more than anything. They WILL be great parents. Unfortunately, the happily every after has hit a bump in the road.

She has had difficulty with endometriosis for such a long time and decided recently that the pain was too much. She had surgery in her early twenties to remove some of the scar tissue and the Dr ended up having to take one of her ovaries. Because of her age, she assumed that everything would work out okay with fertility since she had the one remaining ovary. Unfortunately, this was not the case. The endometriosis combined with a diagnosis of PCOS and the constant pain proved to be too much. She decided to have a complete hysterectomy and the surgery was today - she is 33. I ache so much for her. She wants children so badly.

Thankfully, her sister is just as wonderful. She has offered to not only donate her eggs but to be a surrogate as well. I am not sure if my friend will take her up on this amazingly generous offer, but just to know that people like this exist makes my heart smile.

My friend has braved this battle with amazing strength and grace. She has remained positive and is an inspiration. She deserves the best in life and I hope that she finds everything that she is looking for.

Please think of my friend today and say a prayer for her.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Contract Signed!

Today was contract day. We are officially in the Shared Risk Program and ready to get started with our next cycle. We have a donor picked out (she was our first choice during our last donor cycle; however, she had not yet completed an IVF donor cycle at that point). I am extremely risk adverse, so I didn't want to go with someone who had not yet been through the paces. Here are her latest stats during her 1st cycle:

15 eggs retrieved
13 mature
10 fertilized
8 blasts

I feel myself becoming very hopeful. I want to maintain a bit of reasonableness with our history but I am hoping that this will be it. Starting our cycle is still a few weeks out, but I am anxious to get started.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Quick Update

We got the news last Friday that we were accepted into the DE shared risk program. TM and I do not have any insurance coverage for infertility so acceptance into this program is helpful. I was on pins and needles until I got the phone we just need to sign the contract, write a big check, pick a donor, and we are off and running. Whew.......exhausting.

I got the good news while I was with my parents (I think that I have mentioned before how unsupportive they are (but claim to be the most supportive!) of our infertility treatments). My father went as far as to say that infertility is a personal issue, not a medical issue, and therefore insurance should not cover it. I promptly replied that this was easy for him to say with 5 biological children of his own. He did not quite know how to take that response. I was really surprised that he felt this way. My Dad is a MD (retired), he is of the old generation......Dr's were viewed as Gods and insurance companies did not interfere. I guess I should have anticipated this type of comment and should just avoid talking about the entire topic with them. It's a shame because right now this is the most important thing happening in my life and you would think that they would want to be part of it.

They are not aware of our switch to DE and I don't think that I will ever tell either of them. They would never understand so why bother. I guess I am done hoping for their support.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Acronym Game

I saw this game on Forever Hopefuls blog today and thought that it was too funny. I decided to try it out on TM. His responses were:

AF – Acute Fertility

IVF – InVitro Fertilization
IUI – That's the ICSI
IF – Internal Fertilization
PG – Progesterone
TTC –Ringing no bells to me dear
DPO – Desperate pregnancy operation
BFP – Big Fat Positive
BFN – Big Fat Negative
POAS – Piece of something sxxx
OPT – I dunno
CD – Cellular divide
BD – Big deal
ER - Emergency Room
ET - Every time

I am laughing so hard that I am shedding a few tears. Boy, I needed some comic relief today.

I have been tagged by Ultimate Journey and Aunt Sassy for the "I am" game - Thanks Girls! I will be working on this for my next post.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Forever Changed

Nothing announces the onset of summer more than the arrival of summer interns. Bright eyed, excited, and ready to take on the world. Their lives are just beginning. They have everything to look forward to. Disappointment is not on the radar screen.

I can't remember those days. They are so far away. So many events have transpired that I feel that my 20's and early 30's have flown by. I don't think that I ever got to experience the excitement of early life the way that "normal" people do. I am hoping that my mid-thirties will be MY TIME.....

All of the challenges have helped to shape me into the person that I am today. This is mostly positive; however, there are some things that I would love to change about myself:

1) I would love to feel excited about something, anything. Everything seems tired and gray instead of bright and new.

2) I would like to be able to dream again - to think about the future and be excited about the unknown.

3) I would like to be able to relax! It seems impossible, my mind never slows down. I am always planning, worrying, planning, worrying.

4) I would like to stop thinking that "I can't" because of the "What if's". I can't make plans for vacation, what if I am cycling? I can't go ahead with that house project, what if we need the money for another cycle?

5) I would love to not take myself so seriously! Seriously!

6) I would like to feel secure enough to trust in my friends and family - to not feel so alone.

7) I would love to be a better wife, daughter, sister, friend. To reconnect with the world outside of me.

I have to admit, I am jealous of the interns. Their entire lives are ahead of them. Everything is exciting and new.

I am in a different place. I cannot go back. I can only take lessons learned from my past forward and strive to be the person that I want to be.

This post was featured on the Friday Blog Roundup on Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters

Thursday, May 10, 2007

All Clear

Today was HYS day. I was really nervous on the way there. TM could not take me so my MIL offered. My MIL is great, always says the right things, loves me, and has always been supportive. I don't know what I would do without her. She is truly special.

The procedure itself went fine, with a little help from some Vitamin V (as the doc calls it). The pictures didn't come out so great the first or second time, but the third time was the trick. Doc gave me the all clear to proceed on to the next cycle.

Sooooooooo, TM and I have some decisions to make. We need to decide whether or not we will enter the shared risk program at our clinic which would include 4 donor cycles (with any associated FET's) or pay as you go. In light of our previous history we are leaning towards the shared risk. It is a big chunk of change and we don't have any insurance coverage (never have), but it will take a load of our minds during the cycle process. The last thing that I want to continue to worry about is the financial side of this whole process - I just want to worry about the outcome.

We also have to pick out our donor. We are leaning towards someone who was in our top three previously. I couldn't bring myself to think about that today at the clinic. I will have to make the trek back to go through profiles, etc.

I am feeling much more positive today. I was really dreading today, but now it is over. I think that I will enjoy the nice weather with my pup and maybe visit with the neighbors. The Vitamin V has worn off so I am not worried about embarrassing myself!

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Cycle review

Yesterday was cycle review day. Cycle reviews are the worst, particularly this last one. I am pretty good at holding it together, but yesterday was tough. This last cycle failure has been particularly hard. I thought that DE would be the answer and it still may be. We are not prepared to give up yet and will try again with DE.

On to the cycle review - the Doc gave us the standard line....about how sorry he was that this cycle did not result in a pregnancy.....I almost lost it, but thankfully recovered before breaking down. We then discussed the possible reasons why this cycle did not work. Basically, he has no idea. We fit into the "unexplained" category for this cycle. He is convinced that my egg quality is an issue, thus the reason why we chose donor egg and he still thinks that this is the case. Looks like we just got a bad cycle out of our donor. Sperm quality does not seem to be an issue and even if it were we are doing ICSI. I will be doing another Hysterosonogram (sp?)next week to determine if I have any uterine problems.

I know that my clinic is doing everything possible for us and they are highly qualified with an excellent set of dr's, embryologists, nurses, and staff. But this is so frustrating!

TM and I looked at donors yesterday, but have decided to postpone any decision making for a few days. I'll have to see how I feel in a few days.

On another note, I am really dreading Mothers Day this year. There is a family get together and I think that I will have to miss it. Right now, I have to think about what is good for me and celebrating motherhood for everyone in my family but me does not seem to be a good idea. I am still pretty raw and very emotional.

Why does this have to be so hard? I want to continue to be strong and positive about all of the good things in my life, but it just keeps getting more and more difficult. Although I am not ready to give up, I am feeling very discouraged.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Status quo

Unfortunately, good news did not come our way today. Another BFN. I did not feel positive about this cycle from the beginning. Here is a recap:

Retrieval - 4 days past estimate - donor was responding to meds; however, growth of follicles was slow and there was a concern about hyperstimulation. 13 eggs retrieved (Each of my own retrieval cycles produced many more eggs than this but who's counting?). Of the 13, 5 eggs were immature, 3 did not fertilize, 1 embryo had cell division problems, which resulted in 4 embryos on day 3.

Transfer - all along the plan was to transfer on Day 5, but because we had less than 6 embryos the clinic asked us to come in on Day 3. The Dr. mentioned that we could come back on Day 5, but I was an emotional wreck and just wanted to continue on with the transfer. We transferred 3 embryos (one 10 cell and 2 eiqht cells - all beginning to compact with little fragmentation). We let the remaining embryo continue in culture to see if it would make it to blast.

Cryo news - The remaining embryo did not make it to blast. This confirmed in my mind that we would most probably not have a BFP.

I am pretty frustrated at this point - I know that I have not had good results on my own (i.e. BFP), but each of my own retrieval cycles resulted in at least one blast and I have had 4 FET's from my cycles. I assumed that we would have had much better results from a donor.

The donor that we chose had one previous cycle before ours and it resulted in a chemical - I specifically asked about her previous cycle before we chose her and was informed that there were sperm issues in that cycle (not sure if they had to perform rescue ICSI or what) but was assured that we did not have this same issue.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am pissed off. What the fxxx? This was supposed to be the answer.

TM mentioned that maybe we have a different issue other than egg quality, but I am at a loss to know what else could be out there. My FSH was a little over 6, my HSG was normal, both of our karotyping was normal, I respond well to meds, no issues with retrievals or transfers, lots of eggs, lots of blasts, 70-80% thaw rate for the blasts, (though please note - my embryos have been graded right about a 2 with some fragmentation - but each time, "They look good" per our Doc). The issue of egg quality came up during our first retrieval cycle as we had to go in on a day 3, but we did end up having blasts from that cycle also. What am I missing here?

We could have done PGD (and I wish that we had now), but since we had had so many failures we were encouraged to go right on to donor egg. The Doc seemed convinced that we have an egg issue.

We will probably schedule our cycle review right away, neither of us is very patient and I want to get a plan in place. We talked about adoption again today, but neither of us is ready to give up yet.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Senseless tragedy

In light of todays events, my struggles with IF seem low on the priority list.

Today the tragedy at VT brings everything into perspective. My sympathies go out to all of the students, family, and staff of VT. I am praying for the families and friends that have lost loved ones in this senseless tragedy. I keep thinking of all of the young people and their teachers who lost their lives today for no reason. I keep thinking about the parents who have lost their children, families who have lost a parent, and the countless friends of the innocent victims. The sense of loss is overwhelming.

Life is very fragile and we can't take one moment for granted......

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Transfer Day

Yesterday was transfer day. All in all it went fairly well, but damn the stress was unbelievable. We started out the day not knowing if we would transfer or not. The drive was tense! When we got to the clinic, I almost lost it, but maintained my composure (in front of everyone except TM of course). The Dr. didn't keep us waiting too long and came in with the news - 4 out of the 5 embryos looked good. We were given the option to wait and see if they made it to blast and transfer on Thursday (provided some of the embryos make it to blast of course) or go ahead and transfer today. We decided to go ahead with the transfer. Here are the stats:

1 - 10 cell
2 - 8 cell

All with very little fragmentation and beginning to compact (cells multiplying enough so that individual cells are hardly visible).

We asked about grading and for some reason our Dr. doesn't seem to be too interested in grading. He thinks that it is too subjective. He did say that our embryos were 2's and "looked good" (1 out of 4 being best) and that the clinic has not had a grade 1 embryo this year so far. What???? We are not talking a small clinic here - this is a big operation in my area, with a TON of IVF and IVF DE cycles. I could take his statement a couple of different ways:

1) Let's keep the emotional woman in the stirrups calm
2) Embryologist's are never satisfied (he has alluded to this previously)

So at the end of the day, the transfer went well and now all we have to do is wait...........

Monday, April 9, 2007

Waiting is tough

This is probably my toughest cycle so far. I think that I say that about each cycle though. Maybe with the other ones I always felt like I had another chance. But this one seems final somehow......

TM and I were accepted a year and a half ago into a IVF guarantee program at our clinic. We both had to go through numerous tests and prove that we did not have any insurance that covered infertility to qualify. We ended up qualifying and were accepted into the program. It covered 4 cycles of IVF and any associated FET's. The Dr. talked to us and told us that in his opinion we did not need the program as my test results and age did not indicate any issues, but I am risk adverse. I felt like it was better to enter the program and not worry about anything financial should we have to go through two or more cycles. Of course, we passed the two cycle point some time ago.....

After our third retrieval cycle and associated FET failures, we sat down with our Dr. for yet another cycle review and he offered a donor egg cycle in place of our 4th and final guaranteed program cycle. We had been talking with the Dr. for some time that egg quality could be an issue for me particularly with the poor results of my first IVF retrieval cycle. He thought that this issue was confirmed with our repeated and consistent IVF failure.

All along we had considered DS due to TM's cancer history, but after our 3rd retrieval BFN we started to talk about DE. TM was very comfortable with both DE and DS. I was comfortable with DS but not DE. I felt like a failure. All these years, I always thought IVF would be easy for us since "there is nothing wrong with me" - I was so naive. It took me 2 FET cycles to become somewhat comfortable with DE probably due to the sheer pain factor of the BFN's combined with the positivity exhibited for DE from TM and my clinic. On the day of my last BFN, I was so frustrated, I just kept thinking "what is wrong with me", I was so tired and so disappointed. We scheduled our cycle review for a couple of days later and the Dr. made the DE offer. Since we had been talking about it for so long, and I had come to terms with the fact that my eggs are not working, we decided to take a look at the donors. We took a month or so off from all drugs and picked out a donor. Our clinic has a large donor program and does all of the preliminary work (medical and psychological testing, family history, etc.) before accepting a donor into their program. All that was left for us was to choose. It took about a month for our cycles to sync up and then we got started.

In reviewing my previous posts and comments, I didn't go into very much detail about DE while we were going through the selection process. I know that it seems like we jumped right in, when in fact it was a long drawn out process. I still am on the fence about all of the things that surround DE - who to tell, when to tell, what to tell, etc. Although we have chosen this route, it is still painful to me that this route is necessary. We have not shared DE with anyone outside of blog land and I don't anticipate that we will anytime soon.

I am still grieving about not being able to have a biological child. I am grieving about all of the potential children that we have lost. I am hoping that DE is the answer for us. I am worried that this next cycle will not work. Basically, I am a mess.

I know that whatever happens I will make it through. But it sure doesn't make the process any easier.

I didn't get an update on anything today.......we are still planning on transfer tomorrow unless we hear otherwise.

Sunday, April 8, 2007


I am thinking this morning and going over my history with IVF. Over the last year and a half I have been going full force hoping that one of these times one of my cycles would just work. I am so frustrated to be at the point where I am starting to think I have been beaten. I let myself feel some hope over the last two days........and now I am back to reality again. Of course it is on a day where I can't just hide in bed all day, I have to pull myself together along with Easter dinner and take everything on the road. I have to keep telling myself that this time might be different and make it through the next few days without having a nervous breakdown. Why does this have to be so hard????

Here is a breakdown of my cycles so far:

1st IVF: 3 -3DT - BFN
2nd IVF: 2 -5dt - BFN
1st FET: 2 -5dt - BFN
2nd FET: 2 -5dt - BFN
3rd IVF: 3 -3dt with assisted hatching (could have gone to 5 day, but Dr wanted to try a three day with the assisted hatching - he was worried about triplets - ha)- Beta = 5; subsequent BFN
3rd FET: 3 - 5dt with assisted hatching - BFN
4th FET: 3 - 5dt with assisted hatching - BFN

Now we are in the thick of DE cycle #1 - today we got the news that out of 13 eggs retrieved, 5 were immature, and 3 did not fertilize. So we are left with 5 fertilized embryos. The Dr wants us to come in on Tuesday for a three day transfer. All along the plan was to come in for a five day transfer, but since we have less than 6 embryos at this stage, the feeling is that a three day transfer may need to happen. This is not good news. The only other time that a three day transfer was mandated for me was our first cycle when all of our embryos did not look good at all. I did not get any grading information today for our DE embryos as it was not available, this causes me concern.

The plan right now is to go in on Tuesday and find out if: 1) there are any embryos to transfer, and 2) we should transfer on Tuesday or wait until Thursday.

Right now, I am feeling really down and not sure how I am going to make it to Tuesday. Of course, I will make it and will survive no matter what happens, but damn this is stressful.

Sunday, April 1, 2007

April Fools

I want to send out a big "Thank You" to all of my blog supporters in cyberspace. It means a lot to me just knowing that I am not alone in the world of IF (DE in particular).

While I am new to the world of blogging, I have been a lurker for some time now. Reading blogs of other fellow IF survivors has helped me immeasurably. I have gained knowledge, perspective, strength, and definition of purpose. I strive to be emotionally secure and focused and not to doubt myself.

That being said - Some days are harder than others. I think that for every step that I take forward I end up taking two steps back. Today was particularly hard, I purposely missed a baby shower, opted out of the family get together for Easter (pregnant relatives, cute kids, nosy questions - you know the drill), and had a lupron meltdown. My husband, a.k.a. The Man or TM for short, shows real patience when dealing with my meltdowns. I don't seem to have them very often, but when I do.........look out. Usually a meltdown does not come out of the blue. Something or someone sets the wheels in motion. Today was no different. Let's just say that someone played an "April Fools" joke that hit a little too close to home. The jokester did not try to intentionally hurt TM or I, and in fact apologized later, but the damage was done. Let's put it this way, there is a new winner in the insensitivity comment contest. I used to think that the winner was - "You should just stop trying and adopt. I know someone that adopted and as soon as they did they ended up pregnant.", but winner no longer.......someone else has taken the crown in this category. Maybe one day I will share, but for now it is better left unsaid.

Insensitivity is one reason that TM and I do not plan on disclosing DE to friends and family. Most family members are supportive but there are a few that believe that we should not be pursuing IVF and cannot seem to comprehend the process at all. I don't want to answer their questions or feel the need to explain. Said family members have never been supportive, even through TM's diagnosis, treatment and recovery. I could not imagine that they would be a source of support now. So, it makes sense to just keep this to ourselves for now.

I am so grateful that IVF and DE is an option for us. TM is completely recovered and almost 10 years out at this point. We have been blessed with a wonderful donor who is willing to help us become a family. I cannot express how thankful I am - even when some days are tougher than others.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007


Get ready for the whining.......some of the things that irritate me most:

1) Hypochondria
2) Insensitivity
3) Lack of Accountability
4) Whining (shocking - since I am whining)
5) Laziness
6) People that claim to be busy - "Can you please help me with this, I am so busy" and then they go home well before the end of the day and before me. Arggghhhhhh.
7) People that take credit for work they have not done
8) Constant Complainers

I could go on but why bother. Is it obvious that I had a tough day at work?

Enough about that. Update on the home front. A decision has been made in regards to IVF - we decided to proceed with DE now and adoption later. It was a hard decision to make and I am still sorting through my feelings, but it seems like the right option for us. We had some drama related to adoption over the last year on two separate occasions and I am still frustrated about it. More to come.......thanks to all who have commented on my initial blog entries. It has helped me to know that I have support out there.

Sunday, March 25, 2007


One of the most important things that my Father taught me is that life is about choices. This theory has helped me make decisions throughout life. The choices were easy when I was younger - vanilla or chocolate.........but as I got older the choices became a little bit more complicated - where to go to college, what should I major in, should I get married early or establish my career first?........all of these choices have underlying consequences. I have made both good choices and bad choices but they were always my choices.

Although this is an important lesson, some of the most life altering events are not the result of choice. I did not choose IF.

I have known since my very early 20's that my husband and I would have to undergo IVF as a result of his cancer, what I didn't expect was that it wouldn't work (so far anyway). I started this whole process with the naive notion that it would work right away. As far as we knew everything with me was fine and all of the tests supported this. Well, here we are, 7 cycles later still trying. Staying positive is a challenge.

There are some difficult choices ahead:

1) Keep trying or move on to adoption
2) Donor egg or not

Hopefully we'll make the right choice.........

Friday, March 23, 2007

About Me

After reading blogs now for about a year or so, I decided to start my own. This is my initial post...

I always thought that I would follow "the plan" - high school, college, marriage, children - but life decided to intervene. I never thought when I got married.......almost a decade ago......that the plan may need adjustment. I have been very lucky in life - nice family, great friends, good education, married my best friend, comfortable lifestyle, good job. Now for the unlucky part - my husband was diagnosed with cancer early on in our marriage. Thanks to his wonderful doctors and nurses he beat his cancer and has been given a clean bill of health. Unfortunately the cancer resulted in male factor infertility. I thought that this would not pose a problem for us due to IVF and ICSI (wonderful Dr's insisted on Cyrobanking before Radiation and Chemo - thus eliminating need for DS). Our RE was convinced that IVF was a "slam dunk" for us due to my young age and great test results. Well, here we are, 7 IVF cycles later (3 fresh and 4 FET) and no positive results. Looks like our problem is female factor with male factor on the side. Time to change our expectations...............

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