Friday, September 28, 2007

J Is Here!

J is finally here! He arrived on Tuesday and things are going well so far. He is a great kid. Today we are registering him for school and he will meet TM's parents (who are so excited). He has already started to make friends with the neighborhood kids and seems to be having a great time. I am so happy that he has joined our family.

Yesterday was the 2nd OB appt and I am so glad that we switched. It was a great appt and our Dr. was super nice. The practice is well organized and right near my house. I couldn't be happier with the switch. We had another ultrasound and all is well. The baby's heartrate is great. I guess that there is an old wives tale that the higher the heartbeat the more likely the baby is a girl. So the Dr. joked and said that she liked to guess the sex and that she guessed a girl. It was surreal to hear that and see the baby jump all around. Like this was actually happening. I am serious when I say that if I didn't "know" that I was pregnant, I would have no idea. My symptoms have mostly gone away, I have lost some weight, and sometimes I actually forget and have to remind myself to take it easy. The crinone and estrace are no more, so I am not forced to get up early and remember my meds. This has been the longest that I haven't been on meds in two years. Kind of weird.

Monday is our 1st trimester screen. Once that is over I think that all of this will seem more real to me. I am worried but hoping that everything is okay. I keep thinking, "what if". In fact, we haven't told too many people because I want to know that everything is okay before we do.

I worry about everything. I truly thought yesterday that it was over, that I would go in for the ultrasound and the heartbeat would not be there and that we would hear the "I'm so sorry" speach. I get myself so worked up, convinced that something is always wrong with something. Not rational, and I know that I am being unrational, but I can't seem to shake it. This is not just with this situation, but with everything. Is this person mad at me, did I do everything right at work, what will we do if this happens. It is so frustrating. I wish that I could turn off my brain sometimes and just rest. It is exhausting worrying about everything all of the time.

So, like Scarlett, I am going to think about that tomorrow (hopefully).

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Ho Hum?

Sorry for the delay in posting - I have been out of pocket contemplating life. So many things are happening right now and I am not sure how I feel about any/all of it.

Finally Finally Finally - J will be arriving next Tuesday. I am excited, but worried. Will he be happy here? Will TM and I be able to handle it? The worries go on and on...

The horrific experience with the OB is behind me. I have an appt next week with another office that comes highly recommended. Hopefully it will go well. Tuesday I meet with the nurse to go over everything, Thursday I meet with the Dr. Then the Monday next I go in for my first trimester screening. I am hoping that everything is okay - I have been having spotting pretty consistently and I am worried............

We have only told a few people - the in-laws, my dad and a couple of friends - because I am so worried that something may/could happen.

It feels like all of this is just happening to me, that I am not participating -just going through the motions. I am moody and TM keeps fighting me on everything. He doesn't understand why I am not happy. I can't make him understand that the past two years have been awful, I have been used to disappointment and heartbreak for so long that I am worried that the other shoe is about to drop. Why can't he get that?

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I feel guilty that I am not more positive - I am just not sure how to get beyond these fears and worries.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Looking for an OB

Wow, things have changed since Tuesday. I am super tired, weepy, unable to focus too well, and experiencing general nausea. Last night, I was pretty sick for a few hours. These are all welcome symptoms. I have waited so long for this moment that I am going to take all of this in stride. With that being said, I am not not not going to settle on an OB.

Let me back up, I went to the OB yesterday. The OB/Gyn office came recommended and the visit was a clusterF from beginning to end. I arrived 15 minutes early as requested (for an early morning appointment with paperwork filled out ahead of time) and was not on my way back to work until over 2 and 1/2 hours later. Now, if this was quality time, I would have been super happy - it was not. I waited to be seen for over an hour (big practice, my Dr. was not on call with an emergency). Upon asking the receptionist for a key to the bathroom, since I had been waiting so long, she mentioned that they needed to do a urine analysis. She brought me to the bathroom in the back, gave me a blank urine cup (without my name on it) and told me just to leave it in the bathroom when I was done. Now, since my name was not on the cup, I mentioned to the receptionist (receptionist not nurse mind you) that the cup was on the counter as requested. She looked confused - was not sure why I was telling her this. I told her that my name was not on it so I wanted to make sure that it did not get forgotten. The office was in complete chaos. Files were everywhere. The only computers that I saw were for making appointments. There were food particles on the receptionist check out counter, the bathroom was dirty along with the rest of the office (dust, dirt, walls were all scuffed up, carpet was ripped up in many places, etc). It makes me sqeamish just thinking about it.

About 20 minutes after peeing in the cup, I was brought back and weighed and asked my due date. This indicated to me that this nurse (nurse practitioner) did not review any of the paperwork that I brought in from the fertility clinic which clearly indicated all of this pertinent information. She then took me to the Dr's office and told me that he would be in shortly, about 20 more minutes later he finally showed up. He did not have my paper chart (and as mentioned previously - no computer to refer to) and proceeded to ask me all kinds of questions that I filled out on all of the paperwork before I showed up. He mentioned that I should eat whatever, drink whatever, and not to pay attention to any guidance that suggested otherwise. I mentioned that I don't drink caffeine due to acid reflux and he then mentioned that it shouldn't be a problem to go back to caffeine. In short, he did not ask me any questions whatsoever. Then he wanted to proceed to the "new" ultrasound machine. He let me know that he had not yet been trained on the "new" ultrasound machine (my clinic has had the exact model of this machine ever since I started there two years ago). Are you Fxxxing kidding me. I was his training case. Unbelievable. So after four, count em four, times trying to get a picture with the magic wand (four condoms, gobs of gel that I got to deal with all day if you know what I mean, and 4 rough and I mean rough insertions), he resorted to the stomach cam. He saw the heartbeat and pronounced that all was well. What the fxxx. I am not a rookie here. I asked for a measurement please, meaning baby measurement and heartbeat measurement. He could not obtain these on the new ultrasound and had to wheel in the old ultramachine into the exam room. and I got the pleasure of a fifth wanding. As I type this I am still in amazement. Guess what, the old ultrasound machine doesn't measure heartrates. Why was I surprised? They then told me that they needed bloodwork and guess where the blood is drawn - in the same exam room as the internal exams. Then they had the nerve to charge me.

I couldn't get out of that joint fast enough. So now, I am on the hunt for an OB that may hopefully fulfill the following:

1) Qualifed Dr's
1) Professionalism
2) Clean office
3) Competent Staff
4) Up to date equipment and training

I may have just had a completely bad experience that was random for this office, but for this many things to go wrong....I just don't reel comfortable going back.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007


Nothing like coming back from vacation! Work yesterday and today - not as much fun as the beach.

The weather was great and we had a good time - I sure could use another week or so.

Anyway, since we were on vacation last week, I had to schedule my follow-up scan for today. I started spotting before my first scan and that has continued through today, so I was so worried. But everything went well, measuring 8w1d and heartbeat at 171. I am breathing a bit easier.

The RE did not seem too worried about the spotting and I'll double check with the OB on Friday. I feel so much more relaxed.

I haven't been reading or commenting too much lately due to bad internet connection on vacation. I'll be catching up this week!