Sunday, January 13, 2008

New Year's came and went again and while I was not super depressed this year like last year, I was still happy to see 2007 hit the road. I have so much anticipation built up for 2008 - it is exciting.

Everything is fairly constant here. J's transition has been extremely difficult. I am not sure if I have mentioned before that we have a counselor coming to see him two days per week. She is working with him currently on behavior issues. He is having some problems at school and we are addressing those, but mostly his behavior is terrible at home. It is frustrating that everyone else he comes into contact with thinks that he is such a great kid - polite, happy, interesting, etc. and then when he gets home he lashes out at TM and I. It's been tough. He is not at all happy that we are having a baby. He has said multiple times that he wants to be the only child and sometimes asks questions like - "If you were to get hit in the stomach would that hurt the baby?", or he'll look at my stomach and say "Is that thing kicking you". It just makes me so upset (but I don't show him that he is hurting me because then I know that it will just get worse) and I am not sure what to do about it. We have talked to the counselor about it and she does not think that this is anything more than issues that we can work through with him and that he is insecure about living with us. That he may get sent away. We are going to seek the help of a psychiatrist and have him evaluated. I am hoping that all of this works out, but TM and I have said that if there was ever a hint of violence that we would have to draw the line and could not continue in our foster capacity.

When I am being selfish, I get upset that I cannot be happier and more involved with being excited about this pregnancy. My time is taken up with work and everything J that I haven't been able to really concentrate on myself and the changes that I am going through. TM has been out of town with work recently (about one month in the past five weeks) so all of the burden with J has been on me. My parents have pretty much steered clear - I understand why they don't really want to help me out but it is frustrating having to do it alone.

Yesterday the counselor came by and assigned J some homework due on Monday about why he is trying to get attention with negative behavior. J is super pissed that the counselor is 1 - assigning him homework and 2 - that he has to do it (he has said that there is no point to him completing the assignment). So today should be fun trying to encourage him to complete his assignment. I have taken the approach that he knows what he needs to do today (school homework and counseling homework) and that he needs to plan out his day accordingly (he is 12 after all - time to understand timing and priorities). We talked about this this morning and again after church and he said that he understood. J's birthday is tomorrow and he has school, counseling, and basketball practice. So, I told him that we could go out for a special dinner tonight if he finished all of the above activities. We'll see how it goes. I am not going to back down. I can't back down or he will run all over me. I am so tired. I knew that having him here was going to be tough, but damn - this sucks.

I hate whining about all of this. Other people have much bigger problems and I am blessed in so many ways. But being strong is tough - I am hoping that I can relax soon, enjoy this pregnancy, and look forward to the birth of our baby.......

I have been a lurker as of late. Wanting to comment and post but not knowing what to say sometimes. I am supportive of everyone and look forward to your posts - I just haven't had the energy to both read and comment.