Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Ho Hum?

Sorry for the delay in posting - I have been out of pocket contemplating life. So many things are happening right now and I am not sure how I feel about any/all of it.

Finally Finally Finally - J will be arriving next Tuesday. I am excited, but worried. Will he be happy here? Will TM and I be able to handle it? The worries go on and on...

The horrific experience with the OB is behind me. I have an appt next week with another office that comes highly recommended. Hopefully it will go well. Tuesday I meet with the nurse to go over everything, Thursday I meet with the Dr. Then the Monday next I go in for my first trimester screening. I am hoping that everything is okay - I have been having spotting pretty consistently and I am worried............

We have only told a few people - the in-laws, my dad and a couple of friends - because I am so worried that something may/could happen.

It feels like all of this is just happening to me, that I am not participating -just going through the motions. I am moody and TM keeps fighting me on everything. He doesn't understand why I am not happy. I can't make him understand that the past two years have been awful, I have been used to disappointment and heartbreak for so long that I am worried that the other shoe is about to drop. Why can't he get that?

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I feel guilty that I am not more positive - I am just not sure how to get beyond these fears and worries.

13 comments:

dmarie said...

Congrats on J finally coming!

I don't blame you for the worry. It seems once you've been affected by IF, it stays with you. So many have expressed the same feelings, so you're not alone. I hope it eases up for you a little soon.

Leah said...

It's like you just copied a passage out of the Infertiles Handbook. What you are feeling is normal, normal, 100% normal.

There are very few of us out there -- especially ones who have been put through the wringer that you have -- who blindly, blissfully, embrace a pregnancy in a completely worry-free fashion. It just doesn't work that way. Luckily the VAST majority of us go on to have perfectly lovely pregnancies and gorgeous, healthy babies but that doesn't make the angst of the pregnancy any easier.

As is true with most things IF-related, our spouses just don't really get it. They think we worry too much, they think we obsess too much, they think we THINK too much. While all that is true, it's just part of the territory of this whole shitty game.

When pregnant, I feel like I'm made of blown glass. Like the slightest bump or jostle is going to make the whole house of cards come crashing down. With my last pregnancy, my sister (who is also a fellow IFer) offered to come over and wrap me in bubble wrap. See, SHE gets it.

Plus, when life has dealt you so many shitty cards (particularly on the reproductive front), it's mind-numbingly difficult to believe that you've escaped it's clutches. Like the bad juju just shrugged it's shoulders and moved on to the next poor soul. I am ALWAYS expecting it to circle back to me and snatch everything away. Sad, but true.

I'm thrilled for you that J will finally be arriving. It seems like you made the right decision with that situation so trust that it will all work out. There will no doubt be bumps in the road, but hopefully everyone gets rewarded in the end.

None of this is useful in helping you work through these worries and fears, except perhaps to know that they are truly, completely and totally normal.

My Reality said...

I am happy to hear J is finally coming!

I hope the spotting proves to be nothing more than a nuisance.

Shelby said...

SO glad J is finally coming!! You must be so excited and terrified. Hopefully all will go smoothly.

As for the fear- welcome to the club! I'm finally starting to relax a bit, but it's still scary. I spotted pretty consistently up until about 12 and a half weeks. The last 2 weeks have been clear (thank goodness!). Hopefully your ultrasound will show that all is well. My fingers are crossed for you! I can't wait to hear how it all goes!

Fertilize Me said...

Good luck to your new Dr search. Ihope this one is much better than the last. YAH CONGRATS woo hooo for getting J!

Schatzi said...

I'm hoping you find a much better OB. I'm sorry about all the worry. I can imagine after having to work so hard and going through much disappointment, it is hard to really believe all is well. I hope you find some relief soon.

As for J, woohoo on him finally coming!!!!

Foreverhopeful said...

How exciting J will be here soon and congrats on getting a new OB. Glad that is behind you.

I think what you are feeling is completely normal. It seems like every Infertile who does get pregnant, has a hard time enjoying and believing it. Its so normal after all you've been through.

serenity said...

Um yeah ditto the others. Yay for J coming!

And you are NOT alone. I'm squarely in the same place you are.

So we can keep each other company.

*hug*

JKH said...

You can't help feeling all the fear and anxiety about your pregnancy. You've experienced loss, and it's terrifying to think that something could happen to your little one. I hope that your appts go well with the new doctor's office. And, I pray that everything is okay with your little one!

Congrats on J finally coming!!!!!

ultimatejourney said...

Great news about J! Congrats!

Good luck with finding a MUCH better doctor.

I wish I could tell you that the worry completely disappears after the first trimester, but that hasn't been my experience. It does decrease significantly, though.

SaraS-P said...

You don't sound ungrateful to me. You just sound like someone who knows that things don't always go perfectly, and you are cautiously protecting your own feelings.

peep said...

I know what you mean about feeling cautious especially when people around you don't understand. Ultimately it's your body and emotions and you have to protect yourself. I hope all goes well at the next apt.

In and Out of Luck said...

It's normal, the worrying. We've been through so much. But you know that statistics are on your side at this point, which is good to know, at least. But the worrying is normal, and you're not alone in it.