Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Forever Changed

Nothing announces the onset of summer more than the arrival of summer interns. Bright eyed, excited, and ready to take on the world. Their lives are just beginning. They have everything to look forward to. Disappointment is not on the radar screen.

I can't remember those days. They are so far away. So many events have transpired that I feel that my 20's and early 30's have flown by. I don't think that I ever got to experience the excitement of early life the way that "normal" people do. I am hoping that my mid-thirties will be MY TIME.....

All of the challenges have helped to shape me into the person that I am today. This is mostly positive; however, there are some things that I would love to change about myself:

1) I would love to feel excited about something, anything. Everything seems tired and gray instead of bright and new.

2) I would like to be able to dream again - to think about the future and be excited about the unknown.

3) I would like to be able to relax! It seems impossible, my mind never slows down. I am always planning, worrying, planning, worrying.

4) I would like to stop thinking that "I can't" because of the "What if's". I can't make plans for vacation, what if I am cycling? I can't go ahead with that house project, what if we need the money for another cycle?

5) I would love to not take myself so seriously! Seriously!

6) I would like to feel secure enough to trust in my friends and family - to not feel so alone.

7) I would love to be a better wife, daughter, sister, friend. To reconnect with the world outside of me.

I have to admit, I am jealous of the interns. Their entire lives are ahead of them. Everything is exciting and new.

I am in a different place. I cannot go back. I can only take lessons learned from my past forward and strive to be the person that I want to be.


This post was featured on the Friday Blog Roundup on Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters

11 comments:

ultimatejourney said...

I relate to every single sentence in this post. There's definitely no going back, and I don't wish to be quite that young and naive, but I wish I hadn't learned quite so many hard lessons since that time.

Bumble said...

" would like to feel secure enough to trust in my friends and family - to not feel so alone."

I hear you sister.

We're all here for you. Its shit that we're in this situation and one way or another it will pass. Thinking of you x

Becks said...

I can relate to your post so well.

I always said I never wanted to regret anything and in the main I dont...but trying for a baby? why the hell didnt I do it in my 20's instead of my 30's? I know the answers but it still doesnt help here and now.

As Bumble says, it will pass, lets just hope we have some sanity at the end of it!

Reproductive Jeans said...

5) I would love to not take myself so seriously! Seriously!

I knooooow what you mean! Now that you have listed these all down on "paper" maybe it will help you visualize making a change.

We are all here for you!=)

Foreverhopeful said...

Thank you for this. I too relate to every single one. I've asked myself countless times, why did life have to be so hard for me? Why couldn't I be normal like everyone else and not have to experience such pain. Its changed me in so many ways and sometimes I don't know if I will ever be the same. I too miss that person in my 20's when I was so naive and had so much excitement and hope in my life. We will all get through this together. Thinking of you...!

Aunt Sassy said...

What an insightful post. A kind of a focused "to-do" list to work on for you. Hmmmm. may think this through for myself.

I am hoping that you find ways to work, bit by bit, on each of the "I would like...". Wishing you the best in your journey.

Cibele said...

I would like to be able to relax! It seems impossible, my mind never slows down. I am always planning, worrying, planning, worrying"

I relate so much to this. I actually feel guilty when I am not stressing over something.

You know what? I bet you that those intern were looking at you with envious yes also... Look at her, she already went through all of this, I wish I was her...

sharah said...

Amen to #1. I think that's one of my biggest problems right now -- I can't get motivated to do anything because everything seems so blah. I may actually steal your list and keep it for myself ...

Karen said...

"I am in a different place. I cannot go back. I can only take lessons learned from my past forward and strive to be the person that I want to be."

Thank you SO much for saying this. No matter how many times I say out loud "I'm OK.", some days are just downright difficult coping with IF issues I thought were buried and done with long ago. Women like you saying things like this soothes the hurt - thanks again!

Geohde said...

Hi there, blog roundup nosey person stopping by.

I agree, there are so many things I could change about myself. So many times I wish things had been easier.

But, sigh, I guess we've all just got to keep on keeping on.

Kami said...

I couldn't agree more. Just last night my husband an I were eaves dropping on a conversation at a nearby table at dinner. Three 20-something women discussing careers and life with a lightheartedness that has been lost for us for a number of years.

I hope your mid-thirties will be your time too.