Monday, April 9, 2007

Waiting is tough

This is probably my toughest cycle so far. I think that I say that about each cycle though. Maybe with the other ones I always felt like I had another chance. But this one seems final somehow......

TM and I were accepted a year and a half ago into a IVF guarantee program at our clinic. We both had to go through numerous tests and prove that we did not have any insurance that covered infertility to qualify. We ended up qualifying and were accepted into the program. It covered 4 cycles of IVF and any associated FET's. The Dr. talked to us and told us that in his opinion we did not need the program as my test results and age did not indicate any issues, but I am risk adverse. I felt like it was better to enter the program and not worry about anything financial should we have to go through two or more cycles. Of course, we passed the two cycle point some time ago.....

After our third retrieval cycle and associated FET failures, we sat down with our Dr. for yet another cycle review and he offered a donor egg cycle in place of our 4th and final guaranteed program cycle. We had been talking with the Dr. for some time that egg quality could be an issue for me particularly with the poor results of my first IVF retrieval cycle. He thought that this issue was confirmed with our repeated and consistent IVF failure.

All along we had considered DS due to TM's cancer history, but after our 3rd retrieval BFN we started to talk about DE. TM was very comfortable with both DE and DS. I was comfortable with DS but not DE. I felt like a failure. All these years, I always thought IVF would be easy for us since "there is nothing wrong with me" - I was so naive. It took me 2 FET cycles to become somewhat comfortable with DE probably due to the sheer pain factor of the BFN's combined with the positivity exhibited for DE from TM and my clinic. On the day of my last BFN, I was so frustrated, I just kept thinking "what is wrong with me", I was so tired and so disappointed. We scheduled our cycle review for a couple of days later and the Dr. made the DE offer. Since we had been talking about it for so long, and I had come to terms with the fact that my eggs are not working, we decided to take a look at the donors. We took a month or so off from all drugs and picked out a donor. Our clinic has a large donor program and does all of the preliminary work (medical and psychological testing, family history, etc.) before accepting a donor into their program. All that was left for us was to choose. It took about a month for our cycles to sync up and then we got started.

In reviewing my previous posts and comments, I didn't go into very much detail about DE while we were going through the selection process. I know that it seems like we jumped right in, when in fact it was a long drawn out process. I still am on the fence about all of the things that surround DE - who to tell, when to tell, what to tell, etc. Although we have chosen this route, it is still painful to me that this route is necessary. We have not shared DE with anyone outside of blog land and I don't anticipate that we will anytime soon.

I am still grieving about not being able to have a biological child. I am grieving about all of the potential children that we have lost. I am hoping that DE is the answer for us. I am worried that this next cycle will not work. Basically, I am a mess.

I know that whatever happens I will make it through. But it sure doesn't make the process any easier.

I didn't get an update on anything today.......we are still planning on transfer tomorrow unless we hear otherwise.

9 comments:

Bumble said...

Hi there, nice to "meet" you! I'm sorry you ended up needing to go the DE route but I'm so sure when you see that little one or feel him growing inside you you'll love him so much so fast. He will be your child. Wishing you the very best of luck for your transfer today and I hope you have a wonderful success. x

Pamela Jeanne said...

Your comments to Aunt Sassy and Wishing It Would Get Easier led me to your blog. I relate to your pain and understand the loss you feel. It's powerful in ways that are hard to convey to others...

Thalia said...

I've just read through to get a sense of your story, I'm sure it's very imperfect, but boy have you been through a lot.

I hope those embryos are doing fine, and ready for a smooth transfer shortly. I'm not surprised, though, that yuo have more mourning to do. I feel that DE may be a bit like adoption. The children you have that way you will love with all your soul, but they won't replace the children you're mourning, the children who might have been. In fact, I think all of us who've been through IF have a sense of that loss (see a post of mine called "I shouldn't be writing this" from sometime last year to get a sense of it).

Thinking of you.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I don't have any words of wisdom-I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and wishing you all the best!

ultimatejourney said...

I'm sorry this has been such a long and difficult road for you. I imagine it's been very difficult to switch gears and start DE when you thought everything was fine on your side. I know you'll love any child that comes into your life, but I think it's important to work through the sense of loss.

I agree that waiting is the worst, and it seems to happen a lot in IF land. I hope you get good news about this cycle.

Reproductive Jeans said...

I am sorry you all had to make the tough decision to go the DE route--I am not a wise-word giver, but I just wanted to tell you I was thinking of you and wishing you the best of all luck that all goes really really well this transfer and wait!

Becks said...

A recent blog I read said (apologies if it was yours) that we are not blood related to our partners but we love them with our heart and souls - I thought that was such a powerful way of saying we can love someone even if they aren't originally connected to us. My heart goes out to you and wishing you so much luck for a success this time x

Foreverhopeful said...

Just wanted to send you a big hug and let you know that I'm thinking about you. I know how incredibly hard this journey is and I truly do know exatly how you feel. Letting go of my own eggs was so hard and I've been grieving the chance of my own biological child since my 3rd IVF failure (last summer) when the Dr. suspected egg quality issues for me. There was nothing wrong with me either so until recently I didn't even think about or face the reality of IVF not working. So it was so hard for me to give up and reach the end. I had to slowly learn to say goodbye and truly grieve the loss of my own child and I still am. It takes time like any loss. I'm so sorry this DE cycle has been so stressful. Wishing you lots of luck with your transfer today and I pray that this brings you success and the family you deserve.

Lara said...

Good luck to you. I hope that DEs work for you! I know how hard it is in the 2ww, and its an agonizingly slow 2 weeks isn't it? I hope it goes by fast and you get the results you want!

Lara