Sunday, October 21, 2007

Thanks so much for all of the kind words on my last post. I think that it is going to take me a long time to feel okay. We are still not telling anyone. I just don't want to right now. I know that when we do share, whomever we tell will be so excited and I want to be able to match that excitement. And right now I am emotionally and physically exhausted.

We have had the option to find out the sex of the baby for a couple of weeks now (part of the CVS test results) and I have declined. TM would like to know and is wondering why I didn't ask before. I said that I wanted us to find out together at our next appt instead of over the phone, but the truth is, I feel like knowing the gender will make this so much more real for me. I want to be excited and happy, but I am afraid. Really afraid that if I do feel excited and happy that it could be taken away. Not rational, I know - but real to me nonetheless.

My next OB appt is Thursday........maybe I'll feel more confident then. My MIL & Dad are impatient for the remainder of the family to find out. But they are being patient.

Onto other things - J has been here for about a month now. Poor guy, the minute he gets here we hit crisis mode. He is unaware of everything that is going on and seems to be really happy. I am so glad that he is here. It feels like he has been a part of our family for a long time now. He has been great. I am amazed that he is such a happy kid even with all that he has been through. I need to take lessons from him! He started a sports activity and is doing really well in school. Halloween should be a lot of fun. We have already been to get pumpkins at a farm, gone to a fall festival, and on numerous fun shopping trips together. He loves to go go go. I truly think that God sent him to us. We need him just as much as he needs us.

5 comments:

Pamela Jeanne said...

Wow. So much to catch up on here. First, I'm so glad all the tests are coming back normal. That's great news. I'm also here to tell you that you'll be a great mother and don't let your demons tell you otherwise! You have been through a great deal so your trepidation and exhaustion are perfectly justified. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're well within your rights to go slow in making any announcements. And, I'm glad that J is bringing such joy and happy distractions your way...

Fertilize Me said...

I am wishing you happiness and Joy for hte rest of your pregnancy. I cann ot say from experience, but I can't imagine all those thoughts/feelings that are going on in your head. You deserve to be happy and I will say a prayer for that to happen for you.

peep said...

I just read your last two posts. I'm sorry for what a terrible time that must have been waiting for the test results. Please don't get down on yourself for wanting a healthy baby. It's what every loving mother wants for her child. You already are a great mom to J and soon you will have the chance again. I say take your time with telling the rest of your family. Do it when you are ready. You have to do whatever is necessary to take care of yourself during this very stressful and scary time. Hoping things go more smoothly for you.

Lea Bee said...

thinking of you and J and your little one.

Foreverhopeful said...

So sorry I've been a little slow catching on blogs. I'm so sorry for the scare and glad to hear your tests are coming back normal. Every mom deserves to have a healthy child and it doesn't make you a bad person at all. So yes, don't be so hard on yourself. You're going to be a great mom.

I'm so happy and it makes me smile to hear that J is bringing such joy to your family and is keeping you distracted. SO so happy for you. You are a family now and that is so great.. :) :)