Monday, August 11, 2008

New day = New Post

In keeping with the doing something for me day = new post.

I looked at my stat counter details today and it made me remember some things that I pushed out of my mind....the first trimester screening. What a horrible few weeks that was....Recently I met someone else that went through the same hell and he told me his story. While listening to him I actually experienced some of the same feelings that I felt during that time. I cannot express how awful that time was for TM and I. The uncertainty, fear, anger, disbelief, anxiety - I could go on and on. The elation that everything turned out to be ok was an overwhelming emotion. Every day I thank God that we have Baby J and that he is healthy. What a blessing.

This experience had such an effect that I don't know if I could ever go through that again, it was really tough.

On to other's funny how once you are infertile you always think of yourself that way. I am still jealous of every pregnant woman that I see or hear about. I wonder why it can't be me. Maybe it's some kind of post traumatic stress related to two and a half years of complete hell. It is safe to say that both TM and I are still in recovery mode and probably will be for a long time to come. I still have 8 full sharps containers in my closet, stims in the fridge, estrogen in the bathroom cabinet, and my positive pregnancy tests in my bathroom drawer. I can't bring myself to get rid of any of it. Each day brings me closer and closer to getting some therapy. I am still so angry that we had to go through this. No one should have to go through this kind of hell. No one. Ever.

If anyone has any positive results from therapy let me know. I also am thinking about going back to acupuncture and starting to do some good old fashioned exercise. I really enjoyed acupuncture during one of my cycles and if I can find a practitioner close to the house (and it is not too expensive) I am going to give it another try.

Until tomorrow.........

Sunday, August 10, 2008


Hi All,

Haven't blogged in a while - same old story - working too much, not enough time in the day. But TM is telling me that I need to get back to doing something for me - so here we are. I enjoy I am going to try and keep up with posting and with my reading and comments.

Baby J is doing fine - he is a big guy - 4 months old tomorrow and weighing in at 16 lbs 14 oz. He is truly a blessing and I thank God every day that he is here and is healthy and happy. Wishing that he was a better napper, but you can't have it all.....

TM and I are adjusting to parenthood but it is tougher than I expected. I always thought that I knew that life would change but you don't really realize all of the little changes that have to be made. No longer can I run into the convenience store for just a soda, or stop at just any ATM - the concept of drive-through takes on a whole new meaning - its not just convenient - it saves my back. Venturing out during naptime means listening to whining the entire day - and at Casa CE whining is not tolerated well. But we are taking it all in stride - Baby J goes everywhere with us and he does very well most of the time.

Big J is still challenging - the therapists now think that he a high functioning form of autism. We are working through how to deal with that.

Somedays I am very resentful with Big J - he takes up so much of our time (with behavior issues) that we are not always able to enjoy Baby J. It is frustrating. Consequences don't have any impact on his behavior and talking is not working. Extended family members are not enjoying having the entire family over because he is so difficult. I am at a loss as to what to do.

At this point, I am taking every day an hour at a time......

Looking forward to catching up with everyone....and hope to start making it again to the TOOTPU get togethers.