Thursday, October 18, 2007

Overwhelmed

Thanks so much to everyone checking in on me during the last few weeks. I appreciate your kind thoughts and support more than you could ever know. I apologize for not commenting too much lately - I will be catching up this weekend!

The past few weeks have been hard. Ranking up among the worst. I always thought that if I was ever blessed enough to become pregnant that I was going to enjoy each and every moment. I would be so excited to tell everyone, and I would anxiously await the impending arrival of our baby. This has not been the case so far.

Initially, I was excited and a little overwhelmed. I wasn't sure how to go forward from being a veteran IF and IVF'er to achieving the first goal - a beta. Then waiting on the second beta. Further onto the 1st ultrasound and second ultrasound. Seeing the 1st OB - who sucked, then onto the 2nd OB. Both betas looked great, first ultrasound indicated that a second ultrasound was necessary (required before graduation from the fertility clinic to the OB due to the heart rate not being as high on the first ultrasound as they would have liked). Graduation followed by a completely useless visit to the first OB with a switch to the new OB (who is great). Spotting throughout the first 12 weeks was scary, but the second OB assured me that this was not unusual.

During my appt with the 2nd OB (a Thursday), she wanted to do an ultrasound. She conducted the first few minutes and then left the tech to do all of the complicated measurements, etc. The tech turns out to be a former employee of my fertility clinic - so she knows what she is doing. Then out of nowhere - Whammo. She measured (consistently -took the measurement about 10 times) the NT at 2.7m. On the high side of normal.

Of course, I freaked out. We had already scheduled our first trimester screening for the next Monday - so I didn't need to make any appointments, but I knew enough to be concerned with this turn of events. Needless to say the next few days were really tense.

On the next Monday, I was in for the 1st trimester screening. Whammo again. NT measurement 2.8m. My blood was taken to run the PAPP-A (sp?) and the Beta HCG tests. Basically all three test results combined go into the computer and spit out your odds for Trisomy 13, 18, 21 and I think that there is one more. On Wednesday the results were in - 1:12 for Trisomy 21.

At this point, all of the waiting combined with the anxiety had kept me close to the edge of normal, but after the phone call from the genetic counselor with the 1:12 chance of Downs, I lost it. I was emotional, irrational, and basically a complete mess. I scheduled the CVS without a second thought. I had to know. I researched online about CVS, Trisomy 21, and read numerous numerous personal accounts of screening tests that were positive (although usually around 1:100 chance, no one had a result as high as mine).

The CVS test was scheduled for the next Monday (so far away from that Wednesday). Only one Dr. could do the test at my clinic and he was out of town. So after many anxious nights, contemplation, praying, and little to no sleep, Monday was here. The test itself was tough but once it was over I felt some relief.

We opted to do both the FISH test (similar to the PGD testing), with preliminary results coming back within 2-3 business days, and the more thorough test which tested all chromosomes but took 7-10 days.

We heard on Wednesday last week that the FISH test for Trisomy 13, 18, and 21 were all negative. I never cried so much in all my life. The feeling was unlike anything that I had ever felt before. Relief combined with guilt for assuming the worst. I kept thinking - what if things had gone the other way? I thanked God immediately and have everyday since.

And yesterday we got the results from the thorough test - normal on all counts. I can't believe it. God has truly blessed TM and I and our little one. I send my prayers of thanks to him every day. I was so scared - scared of the future, scared of myself, scared of everything. I realize now that I am not as strong a person as I thought I was. I am selfish for wanting everything to be okay and normal. I only thought of myself and how everything was going to affect me. I am really disappointed in myself. I don't feel like I deserve to be a mom.

I am so relieved that everything is okay - I just don't feel deserving. Does this make sense?

We haven't shared the news about the pregnancy with anyone since the last time that I posted - so almost everyone is still in the dark. I am still in my regular clothes (I lost some weight during this whole experience) so no one is suspecting. I am not sure when we will share the news.

14 comments:

Meghan said...

Wow--what a rollercoaster of emotions you've been on. I'm so glad all of the tests turned out negative.

sorry you've had a rough few weeks and haven't been able to enjoy this pregnancy. Hope this all turns around for you

Fertilize Me said...

HOLY CANOLY!!! WOW .. I am all stressed out and tense just reading that - so I can not imagine what living that could have possibly been like ... Good Greif Woman..you deserve a medal! (and lots more prayers)

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. You are very deserving of this pregnancy, and it is completely natural to want your baby to be healthy.

I am almost 12 weeks pregnant, and we've decided not to have the screening because I have known so many people who have received false positive results and it causes enormous stress. Good luck and all the best to you for the remainder of your pregnancy.

JKH said...

Oh my goodness!!! God is so good!!! But what a rollercoaster of emotions! Praise God that all the tests came out normal, but PLEASE don't be so hard on yourself. You did what ANYONE in your circumstance would have done. You cried, you worried, you thought about your future, I'm sure you begged God to make everything okay...all what anyone else would have done if they were in your shoes. Don't be disappointed in how you reacted. Just continue to praise God for your perfect little blessing. You're going to be a mom...and you're going to be a fabulous one!!!

In and Out of Luck said...

Wow. First, I am so glad that everything turned out healthy. You TOTALLY deserve to be a mom and you will be a great one. That anxiety sounds very normal to me.

Lea Bee said...

congratulations! i am so glad the baby is healthy and well. glad the 1/12 went in your favor.

Drowned Girl said...

What a relief. What a hard time yu've had.

xx

stacyb said...

i can only imagine the emotions you've went through. it's terrifying enough to get have any type of tests after going through so much to get to this point.

i'm sorry you had to go through that and very glad to know the everything is fine.

as for the telling -- when you feel comfortable you will, there isn't a set time or right time.

again, great news!

Shelby said...

Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry you had such an awful month!! I can't imagine what was going through your head, and how relieved you must be that everything is normal! I'm so glad thigns turned out that way. I hope you enjoy the next bit, and that you can start to relax a little. And definitely enjoy telling your families!

JJ said...

Made me tired and stressed out just reading this! Whew....
BUT so glad that the tests have come back normal and that everything looks great!

Schatzi said...

Wow. You have really been through the wringer. I am happy for you that the testing is normal. I hope you can now enjoy the rest of your pregnancy :-).

LJ said...

Oh, I am so glad to see an update from you. I'm glad you're still standing after everything! :)

Karen said...

oh good heavens. You should write suspense novels, C! what a rollercoaster! I've been so out of the loop that I started your post and thought immediately that I'd missed some horrible news and thought I'd been a terrible friend... and then all those postpartum hormones hit hard and the guilt! Oh my god the guilt! And then WHEW! Everything was okay! And this was your first post since the last time I'd peeked at your journal! DOUBLE WHEW!

I'm so glad all is well. You are still in my thoughts along with the rest of your family, including J!

Anonymous said...

I hope you're doing fine dear! Your blog is so inspiring. I had so many thoughts on my mind before de ivf. It’s much more easier for men to accept this. It will be their child, so why should they worry about such things? To be honest, at first I was completely against de ivf. I thought it’s unnatural and I won’t be able to love a baby of another woman. How stupid I was! This procedure was my only chance to become a mother so I persuaded myself to do it. Now I have no regrets. I look at Sammy and I consider him as my son and no one else's. We had an opportunity to give our doctor list of features we want to see in our donor. We mentioned hair color, nose and face shape, eyes, lips, etc. I should say everyone tells me my son looks like me! We told everyone, even our family, that we had simple ivf. No one can ever tell we used egg donor. Of course I’m grateful to our doctor and that girl, who donated her eggs. I will never forget what they’ve done for us! But I really have no feelings like my son is not genetically related to me or I feel differently toward him. Absolutely no! I love him with my whole heart! As soon as I knew I’m pregnant all my doubts faded away. I carried him, I felt him inside my stomach, I had toxicosis, I sang for him and read fairytales for him, I gave birth to him! He’s my son and only my! We decided we’ll not tell Sammy about egg donor. I think he doesn’t need to know that. I’m his mom and I’ll do everything for him so there will be no need for him to look for donor. Speaking about clinic, we had de ivf in Ukrainian BioTexCom. We had 2 attempts in general. I’ve got pregnant from the first one. The clinic also offers «packages» with 1 or 5 attempts. So we’ve just chosen «package», which suited us the most. I have no regrets! I'm the happiest mom in the whole world!