tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87311668285598322102024-03-14T04:13:00.019-05:00Changing ExpectationsLife is constantly forcing me to change my expectations.........Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.comBlogger61125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-20681914394447984172011-03-23T20:00:00.002-05:002011-03-23T20:09:47.188-05:00Looks like this one is a go. 13 weeks and counting. 1st trimester screen went well. 1st OB appt went well too. Always strange to transition to the OB upon graduation from the clinic. What? No ultrasound every visit? What, no more hormones to take? It's a good feeling.....<br /><br />I probably will have gestational diabetes again with this pregnancy. So, I'll have to pay attention to my diet, but that's not a problem. I failed the one hour, but not by much and they didn't require me to fast prior to taking the test.? So, already testing my blood sugar in lieu of taking the three hour test. Really didn't want to take the test - last time I got about 10 sticks instead of the usual 3 due to dehydration, etc. For the recent one hour that I failed - the nurse had a stick me 4 times. I don't give up blood very easily....<br /><br />So, in a good place now - hoping and praying for a healthy baby to join the crew.Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-4047663388702456762011-01-28T16:24:00.002-05:002011-01-28T16:30:58.669-05:002nd BetaWent in on Wednesday for the 2nd beta and here are the stats:<br /><br />1st pregnancy - delivered:<br />Initial Beta 9dp5dt or 14dpo= 190<br />Follow on Beta at 16dp5dt or 21dpo = 3700<br />or approx 1 1/2 days doubling time; 38.52 hours<br /><br />2nd - delivered:<br />Initial Beta 9dp5dt or 14dpo = 229<br />Follow on beta at 16dp5dt or 21dpo = 1700<br />or approx 2 1/2 days doubling time; 57.05 hours<br /><br />3rd pregnancy - ongoing:<br />Initial Beta 9dp5dt or 14dpo = 83<br />Follow on beta at 16dp5dt or 21dpo = 2800<br />or approx 1 1/2 days doubling time; 32.5 hours<br /><br />All in the correct range; now we wait for the sonogram.<br /><br />This all seems so out of character for us. 1st pregnancy = 9 attempts; successful on fresh cycle. 2nd pregnancy = 3 attempts; successful on fresh cycle. 3rd pregnancy; successful on a frozen cycle?????WTF<br /><br />Waiting to see what happens......Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-79360118171907279872011-01-19T12:30:00.002-05:002011-01-19T12:37:09.263-05:00At it again.....Since it has been such a long time, not sure if I still have any readers, but here goes it.....<br /><br />We are at it again. Since my last post, I went on to deliver a healthy baby boy. I worked through the gestational diabetes and was able to control it very well throughout the remainder of the pregnancy. The second baby weighed less than the first (no diabetes the first time around) and I am now 10 lbs lighter than my pre-pregancy weight with the second baby. 20 lbs lighter than the 1st baby.<br /><br />From the last fresh cycle, two embryos were frozen - since I am not getting any younger, we decided to go ahead and do the frozen cycle right away. Surprise - got an initial beta today of 83. Significantly less than either of my other initial betas......but apparently ok. <br /><br />Guess we need to get ready for the roller coaster ride that is the next few weeks and hopefully months and years.<br /><br />More updates to follow:Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-41616721306948659392010-05-04T20:05:00.002-05:002010-05-04T20:09:35.765-05:00TiredLong time, no post. Things are going ok here. Just wanted to post an update.....<br /><br />31 weeks and have officially moved into high risk - gestational diabetes.....not so excited about this news, but have it under control.....<br /><br />Baby Boy is measuring ahead by 3 weeks as of a couple of weeks ago. I am so tired, that I cannot even summon the energy to really even talk to anyone. Still working the usual 12 hour days....<br /><br />Someone asked me yesterday when "I was going on break" - manspeak for maternity leave. Another woman in the room jumped in and gave him the lowdown on maternity leave. It was amusing. Wonder why some men (and women for that matter) think of maternity leave as just time off from work?Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-31008302553141020812009-11-15T19:14:00.003-05:002009-11-15T19:26:25.425-05:006w6d - no symptoms?So, it's 6w6d and I basically have no symptoms. Sometimes I feel slightly nauseous but even then I think that it is related to my allergies and stress. I am giving all credit for my moodiness to the progesterone, but other than that nothing to speak of....<br /><br />Holidays are coming - Thanksgiving in a couple of weeks and then the Christmas Holiday season. Looking forward to it, but less this year than before. Thinking that I will be the internet shopper this year and forget about the treks to the mall. Looks like most stores may ship for free (hopefully), so then I don't even have to feel guilty about not pulling out the all day shopping trips. I love free shipping! I also love free gift wrap - bring it on internet retail land.<br /><br />The best holidays are Thanksgiving and 4th of July - no presents and you can prepare for them the day before! Love it. I am a super procrastinator - remember, crisis mode... and with other holidays you just can't wait that long. Halloween? Not so much, costumes go quickly people (found that out the hard way :) )<br /><br />This Thanksgiving I don't even have to cook! Just show up with one super easy dish- I love it! The day before TM and I will be attending a great sporting event and then maybe, just maybe we'll get to sleep in the next morning....if my MIL will help out. I can hardly wait!!!Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-72637989914223467532009-11-13T20:50:00.004-05:002009-11-13T20:57:42.896-05:00Friday the 13th - A Good DayWell, good news today from the scan - we have a heartbeat! All in all that should make for a great day! Had a nice lunch with TM afterwards and for a little while got to enjoy in the moment.<br /><br />Work continues to be challenging - lots of people are very angry right now due to new processes and I am stuck in the middle - the proverbial punching bag. I am going to try and hang in there, but am feeling pretty raw right now. Want to give up and that is not like me. Wondering if managing people and multiple department priorities is my bag. Twice today I told myself to hang in there for a little over 8 months and then go on leave........not good.<br /><br />I am vowing now that I will not let work dictate my leave this time - I will not work during my leave and as of right now I am also vowing not to let work get to me. I will take it all with a grain of salt because I need to focus in on what is important - FAMILY and not let any other distractors get in the way. Now - I hope that I remember this in 5 minutes - HA. Too bad that I have to work this weekend.....Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-84705249637220474972009-11-07T11:16:00.002-05:002009-11-07T12:04:14.426-05:00Yes? Or Maybe?Well, its been a whirlwind few months. Greenlight to try again in April, BFN in late June for a fresh cycle (two embyos transferred) and then a low and declining beta result in August with a frozen cycle (three frozen embryos transferred). So we went ahead and did another fresh in Sept/Oct and have a positive. The initial beta was higher than the first pregnancy, but the doubling rate was lower - so not really sure how to read those results. Here they are:<br /><br />1st pregnancy - delivered:<br />Initial Beta 9dp5dt or 14dpo= 190<br />Follow on Beta at 16dp5dt or 21dpo = 3700<br />or approx 1 1/2 days doubling time<br /><br />2nd - current results:<br />Initial Beta 9dp5dt or 14dpo = 229<br />Follow on beta at 16dp5dt or 21dpo = 1700<br />or approx 2 1/2 days doubling time<br /><br />My cycle coordinator stated that the second set of numbers is as consistent as the first. She is basing this on the fact that the doubling time should be between 2 - 3 days. Looked on betabase.info and most people do fit into the 36 - 63 hour range for a singleton doubling values, but the hours factor above just appears so different to me, so not sure what to think.<br /><br />Anyway, the first scan is schedule for 6 weeks 3 days (next week), so we'll see what happens.<br /><br />Right now - noticing that this time is really different than last time as in no symptoms at all! Don't know if this is because I literally have no time to notice anything different about myself or if this is because there is nothing to notice????<br /><br />I have had quite a bit of outside the home and inside the home stress the last few weeks, so when I say that I have had no time to focus on myself - I really mean it. My work schedule is so crazy that the usual is a 50 - 60 hour work week. I truly am looking back at the last few months (really the last few years) and now am beginning to wonder if I am a crisis person. You know, one of those people that isn't happy unless there is some sort of crisis or drama going on? For example:<br /><br />The last 5 years = 9 IVF transfers (5 fresh and 4 frozen); one pregnancy; becoming a foster mom, becoming a mom, working through maternity leave due to work requirements, steadily working 50 - 60 hour weeks for the last couple years, 3 additional IVF transfers (2 fresh and 1 frozen), continuing to work 50 - 60 hour weeks.......WTF.<br /><br />The previous 6 years = get engaged, cross country move, change jobs, commuting miles of over 150/day rt, local move to reduce commuting miles, build house, get married, husband diagnosed with cancer (2 surgeries, 3 hospital admissions, and chemo following), move again, change job, another cross country move, another local move, build house, another local move<br /><br />You get the idea.<br /><br />So - I am one of those people. Not sure how not to be in crisis mode at this point. But I am really willing to try :). For the sake of staying positive, I will refer to this type of personality as determined, hard-working, and persevering. Hey, whatever gets me through the day!<br /><br />I think that anyone willing to go through any type of infertility treatment must also be this type of personality, because we all know that it is anything but easy. $, Tests, shots, waiting, waiting....everyone knows the drill.<br /><br />All for now.........Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-60676696518041232132009-06-29T19:10:00.002-05:002009-06-29T19:15:46.722-05:00Onto the FETBFN for us today - knew ahead of time thanks to the EPT. The EPT is a lifesaver for me - allows me to process the bad news on my terms rather than sit by the phone hopeful for a BFP. So - it is onto the FET. Of course, the dreaded cycle review tomorrow, but as a vet I know the drill.....start BCP's and get on the rollercoaster again.<br /><br />In the meantime, I am going to try and achieve some work/life balance - better known as taking some well deserved time off! <br /><br />Everyone have a happy 4th!Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-69998295236555019962009-06-27T07:06:00.002-05:002009-06-27T07:28:29.311-05:00Naive strikes againWell - looks like this cycle is a bust. We were hoping for a BFP, but it is looking like a BFN. I went ahead and POS on Day 7p5dt and got a clear white screen. Not sure how accurate this method is.........however, would think that something would show up by now if I had a strong beta going on.<br /><br />We were hoping that this time would be it, but we'll have to go for the FET. 2 blasts frozen this cycle.<br /><br />Starting this cycle I was full of positivity....thinking that the first one would work! Ha - naive me strikes again. I am not as upset as in previous cycles.....not sure why.....probably the crazy work schedule which has had my undivided attention for some time now.Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-62582163978242146062009-06-13T19:48:00.002-05:002009-06-13T19:49:15.942-05:00We are close to retrievalThis cycle has flown by.....can't believe that we are close to retrieval already. I hope that I have good news to post soon!Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-69527309663670970732009-05-12T21:11:00.002-05:002009-05-12T21:28:04.950-05:00Not FairThoughts of the day:<br /><br />Just found out today that a friend of mine continues to struggle with her health. Just doesn't seem fair.....same old story - some people just don't get a break. If you have a moment - say a little prayer for her that the latest round of tests come back ok.<br /><br />We were approved for shared risk again......unbelievable with my track record - we'll be signing the contract this week. Can't believe that we are in this place again. I say this as I have my laptop balanced on a toy dump truck. Funny how life works. I never thought that we would get this far, but here we are. I thank God every day. We are truly blessed.<br /><br />Mothers Day came and went. The day still evokes too many negative feelings for me. Not sure if it relates to experiences with my mother or the struggle with infertility- need to think about this....or better yet, not waste anymore time on trying to figure it out. The second option is currently the front runner. Let's not waste anymore time on this one...<br /><br />I currently know two special ladies that recently got BFP's with their latest IVF attempts. Hooray for them!Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-80562659569857750462009-05-04T22:03:00.002-05:002009-05-04T22:47:50.483-05:00Back to Clinic I GoWell - back to the clinic I go.....for a small procedure and then it's off to the starting gate (hopefully). Of course, we'll need to sign a mountain of paperwork and write a big fat check, but hey that's the way it goes. It is what it is.Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-50153833029939029492009-04-28T18:55:00.002-05:002009-04-28T19:01:31.366-05:00Back to Posting?Hi Everyone,<br /><br />Not sure if anyone will still be keeping up with this blog but wanted to post an update. <br /><br />Looks like we may try again.....we waited the mandatory year and now are ready to get started again. Some days can't believe that we are willing to do it all again, but I have to admit that I am excited about the prospect of potentially having another little one. Am I being naive? Too positive in light of our previous issues? Who knows - I am sure that I will go back and forth on this hundreds of times in the next few months.<br /><br />Not looking forward to the process itself, but to the end result. Who knows if it will work out, but I do know that if I don't try that I will always wonder and wish that I did....Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-52980864100739609792008-08-11T19:44:00.002-05:002008-08-11T20:23:21.241-05:00New day = New PostIn keeping with the doing something for me plan.....new day = new post.<br /><br />I looked at my stat counter details today and it made me remember some things that I pushed out of my mind....the first trimester screening. What a horrible few weeks that was....Recently I met someone else that went through the same hell and he told me his story. While listening to him I actually experienced some of the same feelings that I felt during that time. I cannot express how awful that time was for TM and I. The uncertainty, fear, anger, disbelief, anxiety - I could go on and on. The elation that everything turned out to be ok was an overwhelming emotion. Every day I thank God that we have Baby J and that he is healthy. What a blessing.<br /><br />This experience had such an effect that I don't know if I could ever go through that again, it was really tough.<br /><br />On to other things....it's funny how once you are infertile you always think of yourself that way. I am still jealous of every pregnant woman that I see or hear about. I wonder why it can't be me. Maybe it's some kind of post traumatic stress related to two and a half years of complete hell. It is safe to say that both TM and I are still in recovery mode and probably will be for a long time to come. I still have 8 full sharps containers in my closet, stims in the fridge, estrogen in the bathroom cabinet, and my positive pregnancy tests in my bathroom drawer. I can't bring myself to get rid of any of it. Each day brings me closer and closer to getting some therapy. I am still so angry that we had to go through this. No one should have to go through this kind of hell. No one. Ever. <br /><br />If anyone has any positive results from therapy let me know. I also am thinking about going back to acupuncture and starting to do some good old fashioned exercise. I really enjoyed acupuncture during one of my cycles and if I can find a practitioner close to the house (and it is not too expensive) I am going to give it another try. <br /><br />Until tomorrow.........Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-28151819478894138742008-08-10T12:27:00.002-05:002008-08-10T12:46:29.983-05:00UpdateHi All,<br /><br />Haven't blogged in a while - same old story - working too much, not enough time in the day. But TM is telling me that I need to get back to doing something for me - so here we are. I enjoy blogging.....so I am going to try and keep up with posting and with my reading and comments.<br /><br />Baby J is doing fine - he is a big guy - 4 months old tomorrow and weighing in at 16 lbs 14 oz. He is truly a blessing and I thank God every day that he is here and is healthy and happy. Wishing that he was a better napper, but you can't have it all.....<br /><br />TM and I are adjusting to parenthood but it is tougher than I expected. I always thought that I knew that life would change but you don't really realize all of the little changes that have to be made. No longer can I run into the convenience store for just a soda, or stop at just any ATM - the concept of drive-through takes on a whole new meaning - its not just convenient - it saves my back. Venturing out during naptime means listening to whining the entire day - and at Casa CE whining is not tolerated well. But we are taking it all in stride - Baby J goes everywhere with us and he does very well most of the time.<br /><br />Big J is still challenging - the therapists now think that he a high functioning form of autism. We are working through how to deal with that.<br /><br />Somedays I am very resentful with Big J - he takes up so much of our time (with behavior issues) that we are not always able to enjoy Baby J. It is frustrating. Consequences don't have any impact on his behavior and talking is not working. Extended family members are not enjoying having the entire family over because he is so difficult. I am at a loss as to what to do. <br /><br />At this point, I am taking every day an hour at a time......<br /><br />Looking forward to catching up with everyone....and hope to start making it again to the TOOTPU get togethers.Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-17154141023543582732008-04-13T16:52:00.002-05:002008-04-13T17:10:52.821-05:00Baby J is finally here!Hi Everyone,<br /><br />Exciting news on the CE front - Baby J is finally here! He arrived on April 7th via C section after induction. He was born at 9.5 lbs and 21 inches long. I am fine, recovering well - no issues to report. Baby J is great! He is a happy baby and loves his mommy and daddy. <br /><br />The visitors have all come by and home life seems to be calming down quite a bit. Yesterday we went to Baby J's Dr and to breakfast and today to Target to pick up a few things. So we are getting out of the house for a couple of hours at a time which is nice. I am anxious to go out on my own, but TM is not having it quite yet. I am not supposed to life anything heavier than the baby - so the baby in the car seat is out. I'll let you know when I break this rule (its bound to happen in the next couple of days or so).<br /><br />One item of concern - my milk has not yet come in. I have been pumping every time the baby eats for the last couple of days but no milk yet. My back is hurting today and I generally feel like crap (I have felt great since Monday) so hopefully this is a good sign. I really want to breastfeed and it is not happening yet so that is frustrating. We have been formula feeding up to this point - the Dr told us that it was not a good idea to wait until my milk comes in due to Baby J's size. He is hungry and wants to eat. I am not opposed to bottle feeding but would like for it to be breastmilk not formula.<br /><br />J is doing ok with the transition - not great. I'll have to post on that later. We are working really closely with the counselor and hopefully he'll work through everything going on with him. <br /><br />I can't believe that this day finally came - I never believed that this could ever happen after the last couple of years.....This has been such a difficult road, but here we are. Amazing.Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-66164772776229074552008-03-29T15:53:00.003-05:002008-03-29T16:19:52.868-05:00Wow, it's been awhile since my last post. So much to say. It's been an eventful couple of months! I am now 37w4d and counting. It seems almost unreal that we are really to this point. I still am in some sort of strange denial that this is actually happening to us.<br /><br />We are still preparing for the little one's impending arrival. The nursery is almost complete and we have a few things left to purchase, but we would be ok if everything happened today. Pregnancy has been not without challenges - 1st trimester screening issues and eventual clean bill of health, flu and dehydration, anemia, and swelling - but that's been it! Everything else has been fine (so far). The baby is currently weighing in at 8lbs 5 oz and I still have at least a week and a half to go. My OB won't start talking induction until at least 39 weeks. <br /><br />J is doing ok - not great. I am hoping that the transition with the new baby will improve but am doubting it. I am assuming that there will be an extremely tough road ahead. I never thought that his joining our family would be so difficult. It is not getting better.............and I am not sure what to do. TM and I are fully consumed with J - how can that possibly continue with a new baby? Any suggestions are appreciated. We have counseling for J at the house 2x per week or approx 5 hours per week. We have taken him in for the psychological eval but have not gotten the report back yet. He is not excited about the baby - expressing his annoyance verbally on a regular basis. I think that we are doing everything that we can at this point and now it is up to him. He can either live by our rules or he will need to contemplate his different options. Keep in mind - the rules are not tough: respecting others, no arguing, homework, chores, and keeping his hands to himself. Now, in all fairness, I am not experienced in the land of 12 year olds, but damn - is everything deserving of an argument? I am really concerned.<br /><br />The thing that bothers me most (when I am feeling particularly down) is that my excitement about this baby has been undercut. I try not to feel this way knowing that J has had a tough road so far, but some days it is tough.<br /><br />I'll post more on the pregnancy in my next post.Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-2705998524749155662008-01-13T14:12:00.000-05:002008-01-13T14:39:46.774-05:00New Year's came and went again and while I was not super depressed this year like last year, I was still happy to see 2007 hit the road. I have so much anticipation built up for 2008 - it is exciting.<br /><br />Everything is fairly constant here. J's transition has been extremely difficult. I am not sure if I have mentioned before that we have a counselor coming to see him two days per week. She is working with him currently on behavior issues. He is having some problems at school and we are addressing those, but mostly his behavior is terrible at home. It is frustrating that everyone else he comes into contact with thinks that he is such a great kid - polite, happy, interesting, etc. and then when he gets home he lashes out at TM and I. It's been tough. He is not at all happy that we are having a baby. He has said multiple times that he wants to be the only child and sometimes asks questions like - "If you were to get hit in the stomach would that hurt the baby?", or he'll look at my stomach and say "Is that thing kicking you". It just makes me so upset (but I don't show him that he is hurting me because then I know that it will just get worse) and I am not sure what to do about it. We have talked to the counselor about it and she does not think that this is anything more than issues that we can work through with him and that he is insecure about living with us. That he may get sent away. We are going to seek the help of a psychiatrist and have him evaluated. I am hoping that all of this works out, but TM and I have said that if there was ever a hint of violence that we would have to draw the line and could not continue in our foster capacity. <br /><br />When I am being selfish, I get upset that I cannot be happier and more involved with being excited about this pregnancy. My time is taken up with work and everything J that I haven't been able to really concentrate on myself and the changes that I am going through. TM has been out of town with work recently (about one month in the past five weeks) so all of the burden with J has been on me. My parents have pretty much steered clear - I understand why they don't really want to help me out but it is frustrating having to do it alone.<br /><br />Yesterday the counselor came by and assigned J some homework due on Monday about why he is trying to get attention with negative behavior. J is super pissed that the counselor is 1 - assigning him homework and 2 - that he has to do it (he has said that there is no point to him completing the assignment). So today should be fun trying to encourage him to complete his assignment. I have taken the approach that he knows what he needs to do today (school homework and counseling homework) and that he needs to plan out his day accordingly (he is 12 after all - time to understand timing and priorities). We talked about this this morning and again after church and he said that he understood. J's birthday is tomorrow and he has school, counseling, and basketball practice. So, I told him that we could go out for a special dinner tonight if he finished all of the above activities. We'll see how it goes. I am not going to back down. I can't back down or he will run all over me. I am so tired. I knew that having him here was going to be tough, but damn - this sucks. <br /><br />I hate whining about all of this. Other people have much bigger problems and I am blessed in so many ways. But being strong is tough - I am hoping that I can relax soon, enjoy this pregnancy, and look forward to the birth of our baby.......<br /><br />I have been a lurker as of late. Wanting to comment and post but not knowing what to say sometimes. I am supportive of everyone and look forward to your posts - I just haven't had the energy to both read and comment.Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-74763353867308318052007-12-22T21:06:00.000-05:002007-12-22T21:27:27.617-05:00Happy Holidays to everyone in Blog Land. Things here are fairly busy with the holiday buzz, shopping, wrapping, etc. J is doing okay, but still needs a lot of work with the counselor. She comes about twice per week. He has been through a lot and we just need to be patient. It's so tough. I have to remember that TM and I are new to this too not just J........so we need to cut ourselves some slack too!<br /><br />I had my 23 week appt this past week and everything looks to be going well. I didn't feel the baby too much yesterday and was worried this morning, but the little bugger is moving around quite a bit today - what a relief.<br /><br />It's so strange to feel excitement instead of apprehension. Not to think constantly about when the next shoe is going to drop. It is such a strange emotion and I am not used to it. At all. <br /><br />I have a friend who is also expecting (her third) and she is ho hum about the whole thing. Last weekend at a Christmas party all of the ladies were talking and everyone there had an "oops" pregnancy. How annoying. For some people pregnancy and healthy babies seem to be the easy and the norm. Why is it for others that so desperately want to have a baby that it is so difficult? The universe is fxxxxx up. Seriously. My prayers this holiday season will be for all fellow infertiles out there to have their holiday wish come true in the upcoming year. I know that this time of year is difficult for so many. I am right there with all of you. Every step of the way. Do not feel alone.<br /><br />On another important note, please say a prayer for a dear friend of mine today. 5 years ago she was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Unfortunately, the cancer has returned. She is young with a beautiful two year old and wonderful husband. She is an inspiration to so many. Keep her in your thoughts this holiday season.Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-9998091218894938012007-11-29T19:46:00.000-05:002007-11-29T20:19:25.089-05:00I am a delinquent poster. Sorry all, for the lack of updates. <br /><br />Things here are going okay. J is adjusting to school and to our home. TM and I knew that starting off at parenting with an 11 year old would be tough, but didn't know how tough. J has been through a lot. Situations that no one, much less a child, should have to go through. I will save the family drama for another time as it is a long story. We have started him (and us) in counseling to help work through some of the current issues that we are having as well as working through some of the baggage that he inherited from his mother. So far the counseling is approximately 5 hours per week but we could increase it if we need to. Based upon today, it is looking like we will need to. Hopefully, all of this will work out to his (and our) benefit.<br /><br />The counselor is helping TM and I with parenting skills as well. She is great. I really like her a lot. <br /><br />Onto pregnancy updates - things are going well. We went into our 20 week us on Tuesday and everything seemed to be ok. I will be calling my Dr. tomorrow just to make sure. The radiology center that I went to sends the results to the Dr directly (takes two business days). The tech did say that she didn't see anything that she needed to bring to the attention to the radiologist and that he would be in if he felt that he needed to. He didn't show up. The tech also said that I would find out that day from my Dr. if there was an issue. So I am hoping that no news is good news. <br /><br />I am feeling ok; getting big enough not to fit into my regular clothes so some shopping is in order, but it has been hard to make the time between the counseling, work, karate practice, yada yada - you know the drill. I wanted to be excited to go shopping so that is another reason that I have been putting it off. Now that the 20 week marker is behind us I am feeling more confident. I did buy a couple of shirts and pairs of jeans last weekend, but need some more shirts and pants for work. Also, probably a coat.<br /><br />I have so much to say but have to run. Regular posts to follow. Thanks everyone for checking in with me. I really appreciate it.Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-64789529291683586782007-10-26T16:42:00.000-05:002007-10-26T17:15:09.826-05:00Well, the second OB appt was yesterday. We visited with the NP instead of the OB. We won't see the OB until our Dec appt. I am comfortable with the NP so this is okay. This office is so great. I love it there. So glad that I switched. <br /><br />I am definitely not used to not having ultrasounds all of the time. Yesterday was our first experience with the doppler instead of the ultrasound. Liking the doppler, very cool; however, not as cool as the good ol' US. So, we'll have to wait until 20 weeks for the next look. I am so hoping that the 20 week scan turns out with everything okay. I am still a mess with worry. I know that worrying the way that I am is not healthy and that putting off telling everyone is not rational, but I can't seem to let it go.<br /><br />In all fairness to myself, this is nothing new. I worry about everything. I have been this way ever since I was little - will I get the question right in class? Does so and so like me? Yada Yada. That being said, I do prioritize my worrying. Right now, this pregnancy is occupying my full worry attention. The 1st trimester screening blood test came back with a low PAPP-A. This could indicate placental problems so from what the NP said it sounds like they have moved me to high risk for the 3rd trimester. Does anyone know anything about this? Info would be appreciated. The genetic counselor said that there could be some correlation but no one is quite sure. So, we will be getting US from 24 weeks on to make sure that the placenta is able to support the baby properly.<br /><br />TM has laid down the law, so we will be telling the remainder of the family this weekend, but I negotiated to tell friends, work at a later date. TBD.Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-48307045863202887982007-10-23T17:22:00.001-05:002007-10-23T17:24:45.328-05:00Trombone practice is painfulJ is a great kid. Did you know that middle school kids have HAVE to play in the band? So, J picked the trombone. <br /><br />Ol' McDonald has a farm - eieio. For an hour???? Argggghghghghghgh.Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-63428801297396895912007-10-21T16:25:00.000-05:002007-10-21T16:46:06.959-05:00Thanks so much for all of the kind words on my last post. I think that it is going to take me a long time to feel okay. We are still not telling anyone. I just don't want to right now. I know that when we do share, whomever we tell will be so excited and I want to be able to match that excitement. And right now I am emotionally and physically exhausted.<br /><br />We have had the option to find out the sex of the baby for a couple of weeks now (part of the CVS test results) and I have declined. TM would like to know and is wondering why I didn't ask before. I said that I wanted us to find out together at our next appt instead of over the phone, but the truth is, I feel like knowing the gender will make this so much more real for me. I want to be excited and happy, but I am afraid. Really afraid that if I do feel excited and happy that it could be taken away. Not rational, I know - but real to me nonetheless.<br /><br />My next OB appt is Thursday........maybe I'll feel more confident then. My MIL & Dad are impatient for the remainder of the family to find out. But they are being patient.<br /><br />Onto other things - J has been here for about a month now. Poor guy, the minute he gets here we hit crisis mode. He is unaware of everything that is going on and seems to be really happy. I am so glad that he is here. It feels like he has been a part of our family for a long time now. He has been great. I am amazed that he is such a happy kid even with all that he has been through. I need to take lessons from him! He started a sports activity and is doing really well in school. Halloween should be a lot of fun. We have already been to get pumpkins at a farm, gone to a fall festival, and on numerous fun shopping trips together. He loves to go go go. I truly think that God sent him to us. We need him just as much as he needs us.Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-5129254859720743332007-10-18T16:01:00.000-05:002007-10-18T17:44:16.819-05:00OverwhelmedThanks so much to everyone checking in on me during the last few weeks. I appreciate your kind thoughts and support more than you could ever know. I apologize for not commenting too much lately - I will be catching up this weekend!<br /><br />The past few weeks have been hard. Ranking up among the worst. I always thought that if I was ever blessed enough to become pregnant that I was going to enjoy each and every moment. I would be so excited to tell everyone, and I would anxiously await the impending arrival of our baby. This has not been the case so far. <br /><br />Initially, I was excited and a little overwhelmed. I wasn't sure how to go forward from being a veteran IF and IVF'er to achieving the first goal - a beta. Then waiting on the second beta. Further onto the 1st ultrasound and second ultrasound. Seeing the 1st OB - who sucked, then onto the 2nd OB. Both betas looked great, first ultrasound indicated that a second ultrasound was necessary (required before graduation from the fertility clinic to the OB due to the heart rate not being as high on the first ultrasound as they would have liked). Graduation followed by a completely useless visit to the first OB with a switch to the new OB (who is great). Spotting throughout the first 12 weeks was scary, but the second OB assured me that this was not unusual. <br /><br />During my appt with the 2nd OB (a Thursday), she wanted to do an ultrasound. She conducted the first few minutes and then left the tech to do all of the complicated measurements, etc. The tech turns out to be a former employee of my fertility clinic - so she knows what she is doing. Then out of nowhere - Whammo. She measured (consistently -took the measurement about 10 times) the NT at 2.7m. On the high side of normal. <br /><br />Of course, I freaked out. We had already scheduled our first trimester screening for the next Monday - so I didn't need to make any appointments, but I knew enough to be concerned with this turn of events. Needless to say the next few days were really tense.<br /><br />On the next Monday, I was in for the 1st trimester screening. Whammo again. NT measurement 2.8m. My blood was taken to run the PAPP-A (sp?) and the Beta HCG tests. Basically all three test results combined go into the computer and spit out your odds for Trisomy 13, 18, 21 and I think that there is one more. On Wednesday the results were in - 1:12 for Trisomy 21. <br /><br />At this point, all of the waiting combined with the anxiety had kept me close to the edge of normal, but after the phone call from the genetic counselor with the 1:12 chance of Downs, I lost it. I was emotional, irrational, and basically a complete mess. I scheduled the CVS without a second thought. I had to know. I researched online about CVS, Trisomy 21, and read numerous numerous personal accounts of screening tests that were positive (although usually around 1:100 chance, no one had a result as high as mine). <br /><br />The CVS test was scheduled for the next Monday (so far away from that Wednesday). Only one Dr. could do the test at my clinic and he was out of town. So after many anxious nights, contemplation, praying, and little to no sleep, Monday was here. The test itself was tough but once it was over I felt some relief.<br /><br />We opted to do both the FISH test (similar to the PGD testing), with preliminary results coming back within 2-3 business days, and the more thorough test which tested all chromosomes but took 7-10 days.<br /><br />We heard on Wednesday last week that the FISH test for Trisomy 13, 18, and 21 were all negative. I never cried so much in all my life. The feeling was unlike anything that I had ever felt before. Relief combined with guilt for assuming the worst. I kept thinking - what if things had gone the other way? I thanked God immediately and have everyday since. <br /><br />And yesterday we got the results from the thorough test - normal on all counts. I can't believe it. God has truly blessed TM and I and our little one. I send my prayers of thanks to him every day. I was so scared - scared of the future, scared of myself, scared of everything. I realize now that I am not as strong a person as I thought I was. I am selfish for wanting everything to be okay and normal. I only thought of myself and how everything was going to affect me. I am really disappointed in myself. I don't feel like I deserve to be a mom.<br /><br />I am so relieved that everything is okay - I just don't feel deserving. Does this make sense? <br /><br />We haven't shared the news about the pregnancy with anyone since the last time that I posted - so almost everyone is still in the dark. I am still in my regular clothes (I lost some weight during this whole experience) so no one is suspecting. I am not sure when we will share the news.Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8731166828559832210.post-64270652926452324072007-09-28T07:14:00.000-05:002007-09-28T07:35:38.727-05:00J Is Here!J is finally here! He arrived on Tuesday and things are going well so far. He is a great kid. Today we are registering him for school and he will meet TM's parents (who are so excited). He has already started to make friends with the neighborhood kids and seems to be having a great time. I am so happy that he has joined our family.<br /><br />Yesterday was the 2nd OB appt and I am so glad that we switched. It was a great appt and our Dr. was super nice. The practice is well organized and right near my house. I couldn't be happier with the switch. We had another ultrasound and all is well. The baby's heartrate is great. I guess that there is an old wives tale that the higher the heartbeat the more likely the baby is a girl. So the Dr. joked and said that she liked to guess the sex and that she guessed a girl. It was surreal to hear that and see the baby jump all around. Like this was actually happening. I am serious when I say that if I didn't "know" that I was pregnant, I would have no idea. My symptoms have mostly gone away, I have lost some weight, and sometimes I actually forget and have to remind myself to take it easy. The crinone and estrace are no more, so I am not forced to get up early and remember my meds. This has been the longest that I haven't been on meds in two years. Kind of weird.<br /><br />Monday is our 1st trimester screen. Once that is over I think that all of this will seem more real to me. I am worried but hoping that everything is okay. I keep thinking, "what if". In fact, we haven't told too many people because I want to know that everything is okay before we do.<br /><br />I worry about everything. I truly thought yesterday that it was over, that I would go in for the ultrasound and the heartbeat would not be there and that we would hear the "I'm so sorry" speach. I get myself so worked up, convinced that something is always wrong with something. Not rational, and I know that I am being unrational, but I can't seem to shake it. This is not just with this situation, but with everything. Is this person mad at me, did I do everything right at work, what will we do if this happens. It is so frustrating. I wish that I could turn off my brain sometimes and just rest. It is exhausting worrying about everything all of the time.<br /><br />So, like Scarlett, I am going to think about that tomorrow (hopefully).Changing Expectationshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10175429623370829712noreply@blogger.com13