Quick Update

We got the news last Friday that we were accepted into the DE shared risk program. TM and I do not have any insurance coverage for infertility so acceptance into this program is helpful. I was on pins and needles until I got the phone call....now we just need to sign the contract, write a big check, pick a donor, and we are off and running. Whew.......exhausting.

I got the good news while I was with my parents (I think that I have mentioned before how unsupportive they are (but claim to be the most supportive!) of our infertility treatments). My father went as far as to say that infertility is a personal issue, not a medical issue, and therefore insurance should not cover it. I promptly replied that this was easy for him to say with 5 biological children of his own. He did not quite know how to take that response. I was really surprised that he felt this way. My Dad is a MD (retired), he is of the old generation......Dr's were viewed as Gods and insurance companies did not interfere. I guess I should have anticipated this type of comment and should just avoid talking about the entire topic with them. It's a shame because right now this is the most important thing happening in my life and you would think that they would want to be part of it.

They are not aware of our switch to DE and I don't think that I will ever tell either of them. They would never understand so why bother. I guess I am done hoping for their support.

Acronym Game

I saw this game on Forever Hopefuls blog today and thought that it was too funny. I decided to try it out on TM. His responses were:

AF – Acute Fertility

IVF – InVitro Fertilization
IUI – That's the ICSI
IF – Internal Fertilization
PG – Progesterone
TTC –Ringing no bells to me dear
DPO – Desperate pregnancy operation
BFP – Big Fat Positive
BFN – Big Fat Negative
POAS – Piece of something sxxx
OPT – I dunno
CD – Cellular divide
BD – Big deal
ER - Emergency Room
ET - Every time

I am laughing so hard that I am shedding a few tears. Boy, I needed some comic relief today.

I have been tagged by Ultimate Journey and Aunt Sassy for the "I am" game - Thanks Girls! I will be working on this for my next post.

Forever Changed

Nothing announces the onset of summer more than the arrival of summer interns. Bright eyed, excited, and ready to take on the world. Their lives are just beginning. They have everything to look forward to. Disappointment is not on the radar screen.

I can't remember those days. They are so far away. So many events have transpired that I feel that my 20's and early 30's have flown by. I don't think that I ever got to experience the excitement of early life the way that "normal" people do. I am hoping that my mid-thirties will be MY TIME.....

All of the challenges have helped to shape me into the person that I am today. This is mostly positive; however, there are some things that I would love to change about myself:

1) I would love to feel excited about something, anything. Everything seems tired and gray instead of bright and new.

2) I would like to be able to dream again - to think about the future and be excited about the unknown.

3) I would like to be able to relax! It seems impossible, my mind never slows down. I am always planning, worrying, planning, worrying.

4) I would like to stop thinking that "I can't" because of the "What if's". I can't make plans for vacation, what if I am cycling? I can't go ahead with that house project, what if we need the money for another cycle?

5) I would love to not take myself so seriously! Seriously!

6) I would like to feel secure enough to trust in my friends and family - to not feel so alone.

7) I would love to be a better wife, daughter, sister, friend. To reconnect with the world outside of me.

I have to admit, I am jealous of the interns. Their entire lives are ahead of them. Everything is exciting and new.

I am in a different place. I cannot go back. I can only take lessons learned from my past forward and strive to be the person that I want to be.


This post was featured on the Friday Blog Roundup on Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters

All Clear

Today was HYS day. I was really nervous on the way there. TM could not take me so my MIL offered. My MIL is great, always says the right things, loves me, and has always been supportive. I don't know what I would do without her. She is truly special.

The procedure itself went fine, with a little help from some Vitamin V (as the doc calls it). The pictures didn't come out so great the first or second time, but the third time was the trick. Doc gave me the all clear to proceed on to the next cycle.

Sooooooooo, TM and I have some decisions to make. We need to decide whether or not we will enter the shared risk program at our clinic which would include 4 donor cycles (with any associated FET's) or pay as you go. In light of our previous history we are leaning towards the shared risk. It is a big chunk of change and we don't have any insurance coverage (never have), but it will take a load of our minds during the cycle process. The last thing that I want to continue to worry about is the financial side of this whole process - I just want to worry about the outcome.

We also have to pick out our donor. We are leaning towards someone who was in our top three previously. I couldn't bring myself to think about that today at the clinic. I will have to make the trek back to go through profiles, etc.

I am feeling much more positive today. I was really dreading today, but now it is over. I think that I will enjoy the nice weather with my pup and maybe visit with the neighbors. The Vitamin V has worn off so I am not worried about embarrassing myself!

Cycle review

Yesterday was cycle review day. Cycle reviews are the worst, particularly this last one. I am pretty good at holding it together, but yesterday was tough. This last cycle failure has been particularly hard. I thought that DE would be the answer and it still may be. We are not prepared to give up yet and will try again with DE.

On to the cycle review - the Doc gave us the standard line....about how sorry he was that this cycle did not result in a pregnancy.....I almost lost it, but thankfully recovered before breaking down. We then discussed the possible reasons why this cycle did not work. Basically, he has no idea. We fit into the "unexplained" category for this cycle. He is convinced that my egg quality is an issue, thus the reason why we chose donor egg and he still thinks that this is the case. Looks like we just got a bad cycle out of our donor. Sperm quality does not seem to be an issue and even if it were we are doing ICSI. I will be doing another Hysterosonogram (sp?)next week to determine if I have any uterine problems.

I know that my clinic is doing everything possible for us and they are highly qualified with an excellent set of dr's, embryologists, nurses, and staff. But this is so frustrating!

TM and I looked at donors yesterday, but have decided to postpone any decision making for a few days. I'll have to see how I feel in a few days.

On another note, I am really dreading Mothers Day this year. There is a family get together and I think that I will have to miss it. Right now, I have to think about what is good for me and celebrating motherhood for everyone in my family but me does not seem to be a good idea. I am still pretty raw and very emotional.

Why does this have to be so hard? I want to continue to be strong and positive about all of the good things in my life, but it just keeps getting more and more difficult. Although I am not ready to give up, I am feeling very discouraged.