New day = New Post

In keeping with the doing something for me plan.....new day = new post.

I looked at my stat counter details today and it made me remember some things that I pushed out of my mind....the first trimester screening. What a horrible few weeks that was....Recently I met someone else that went through the same hell and he told me his story. While listening to him I actually experienced some of the same feelings that I felt during that time. I cannot express how awful that time was for TM and I. The uncertainty, fear, anger, disbelief, anxiety - I could go on and on. The elation that everything turned out to be ok was an overwhelming emotion. Every day I thank God that we have Baby J and that he is healthy. What a blessing.

This experience had such an effect that I don't know if I could ever go through that again, it was really tough.

On to other things....it's funny how once you are infertile you always think of yourself that way. I am still jealous of every pregnant woman that I see or hear about. I wonder why it can't be me. Maybe it's some kind of post traumatic stress related to two and a half years of complete hell. It is safe to say that both TM and I are still in recovery mode and probably will be for a long time to come. I still have 8 full sharps containers in my closet, stims in the fridge, estrogen in the bathroom cabinet, and my positive pregnancy tests in my bathroom drawer. I can't bring myself to get rid of any of it. Each day brings me closer and closer to getting some therapy. I am still so angry that we had to go through this. No one should have to go through this kind of hell. No one. Ever.

If anyone has any positive results from therapy let me know. I also am thinking about going back to acupuncture and starting to do some good old fashioned exercise. I really enjoyed acupuncture during one of my cycles and if I can find a practitioner close to the house (and it is not too expensive) I am going to give it another try.

Until tomorrow.........

Update

Hi All,

Haven't blogged in a while - same old story - working too much, not enough time in the day. But TM is telling me that I need to get back to doing something for me - so here we are. I enjoy blogging.....so I am going to try and keep up with posting and with my reading and comments.

Baby J is doing fine - he is a big guy - 4 months old tomorrow and weighing in at 16 lbs 14 oz. He is truly a blessing and I thank God every day that he is here and is healthy and happy. Wishing that he was a better napper, but you can't have it all.....

TM and I are adjusting to parenthood but it is tougher than I expected. I always thought that I knew that life would change but you don't really realize all of the little changes that have to be made. No longer can I run into the convenience store for just a soda, or stop at just any ATM - the concept of drive-through takes on a whole new meaning - its not just convenient - it saves my back. Venturing out during naptime means listening to whining the entire day - and at Casa CE whining is not tolerated well. But we are taking it all in stride - Baby J goes everywhere with us and he does very well most of the time.

Big J is still challenging - the therapists now think that he a high functioning form of autism. We are working through how to deal with that.

Somedays I am very resentful with Big J - he takes up so much of our time (with behavior issues) that we are not always able to enjoy Baby J. It is frustrating. Consequences don't have any impact on his behavior and talking is not working. Extended family members are not enjoying having the entire family over because he is so difficult. I am at a loss as to what to do.

At this point, I am taking every day an hour at a time......

Looking forward to catching up with everyone....and hope to start making it again to the TOOTPU get togethers.

Baby J is finally here!

Hi Everyone,

Exciting news on the CE front - Baby J is finally here! He arrived on April 7th via C section after induction. He was born at 9.5 lbs and 21 inches long. I am fine, recovering well - no issues to report. Baby J is great! He is a happy baby and loves his mommy and daddy.

The visitors have all come by and home life seems to be calming down quite a bit. Yesterday we went to Baby J's Dr and to breakfast and today to Target to pick up a few things. So we are getting out of the house for a couple of hours at a time which is nice. I am anxious to go out on my own, but TM is not having it quite yet. I am not supposed to life anything heavier than the baby - so the baby in the car seat is out. I'll let you know when I break this rule (its bound to happen in the next couple of days or so).

One item of concern - my milk has not yet come in. I have been pumping every time the baby eats for the last couple of days but no milk yet. My back is hurting today and I generally feel like crap (I have felt great since Monday) so hopefully this is a good sign. I really want to breastfeed and it is not happening yet so that is frustrating. We have been formula feeding up to this point - the Dr told us that it was not a good idea to wait until my milk comes in due to Baby J's size. He is hungry and wants to eat. I am not opposed to bottle feeding but would like for it to be breastmilk not formula.

J is doing ok with the transition - not great. I'll have to post on that later. We are working really closely with the counselor and hopefully he'll work through everything going on with him.

I can't believe that this day finally came - I never believed that this could ever happen after the last couple of years.....This has been such a difficult road, but here we are. Amazing.

Wow, it's been awhile since my last post. So much to say. It's been an eventful couple of months! I am now 37w4d and counting. It seems almost unreal that we are really to this point. I still am in some sort of strange denial that this is actually happening to us.

We are still preparing for the little one's impending arrival. The nursery is almost complete and we have a few things left to purchase, but we would be ok if everything happened today. Pregnancy has been not without challenges - 1st trimester screening issues and eventual clean bill of health, flu and dehydration, anemia, and swelling - but that's been it! Everything else has been fine (so far). The baby is currently weighing in at 8lbs 5 oz and I still have at least a week and a half to go. My OB won't start talking induction until at least 39 weeks.

J is doing ok - not great. I am hoping that the transition with the new baby will improve but am doubting it. I am assuming that there will be an extremely tough road ahead. I never thought that his joining our family would be so difficult. It is not getting better.............and I am not sure what to do. TM and I are fully consumed with J - how can that possibly continue with a new baby? Any suggestions are appreciated. We have counseling for J at the house 2x per week or approx 5 hours per week. We have taken him in for the psychological eval but have not gotten the report back yet. He is not excited about the baby - expressing his annoyance verbally on a regular basis. I think that we are doing everything that we can at this point and now it is up to him. He can either live by our rules or he will need to contemplate his different options. Keep in mind - the rules are not tough: respecting others, no arguing, homework, chores, and keeping his hands to himself. Now, in all fairness, I am not experienced in the land of 12 year olds, but damn - is everything deserving of an argument? I am really concerned.

The thing that bothers me most (when I am feeling particularly down) is that my excitement about this baby has been undercut. I try not to feel this way knowing that J has had a tough road so far, but some days it is tough.

I'll post more on the pregnancy in my next post.

New Year's came and went again and while I was not super depressed this year like last year, I was still happy to see 2007 hit the road. I have so much anticipation built up for 2008 - it is exciting.

Everything is fairly constant here. J's transition has been extremely difficult. I am not sure if I have mentioned before that we have a counselor coming to see him two days per week. She is working with him currently on behavior issues. He is having some problems at school and we are addressing those, but mostly his behavior is terrible at home. It is frustrating that everyone else he comes into contact with thinks that he is such a great kid - polite, happy, interesting, etc. and then when he gets home he lashes out at TM and I. It's been tough. He is not at all happy that we are having a baby. He has said multiple times that he wants to be the only child and sometimes asks questions like - "If you were to get hit in the stomach would that hurt the baby?", or he'll look at my stomach and say "Is that thing kicking you". It just makes me so upset (but I don't show him that he is hurting me because then I know that it will just get worse) and I am not sure what to do about it. We have talked to the counselor about it and she does not think that this is anything more than issues that we can work through with him and that he is insecure about living with us. That he may get sent away. We are going to seek the help of a psychiatrist and have him evaluated. I am hoping that all of this works out, but TM and I have said that if there was ever a hint of violence that we would have to draw the line and could not continue in our foster capacity.

When I am being selfish, I get upset that I cannot be happier and more involved with being excited about this pregnancy. My time is taken up with work and everything J that I haven't been able to really concentrate on myself and the changes that I am going through. TM has been out of town with work recently (about one month in the past five weeks) so all of the burden with J has been on me. My parents have pretty much steered clear - I understand why they don't really want to help me out but it is frustrating having to do it alone.

Yesterday the counselor came by and assigned J some homework due on Monday about why he is trying to get attention with negative behavior. J is super pissed that the counselor is 1 - assigning him homework and 2 - that he has to do it (he has said that there is no point to him completing the assignment). So today should be fun trying to encourage him to complete his assignment. I have taken the approach that he knows what he needs to do today (school homework and counseling homework) and that he needs to plan out his day accordingly (he is 12 after all - time to understand timing and priorities). We talked about this this morning and again after church and he said that he understood. J's birthday is tomorrow and he has school, counseling, and basketball practice. So, I told him that we could go out for a special dinner tonight if he finished all of the above activities. We'll see how it goes. I am not going to back down. I can't back down or he will run all over me. I am so tired. I knew that having him here was going to be tough, but damn - this sucks.

I hate whining about all of this. Other people have much bigger problems and I am blessed in so many ways. But being strong is tough - I am hoping that I can relax soon, enjoy this pregnancy, and look forward to the birth of our baby.......

I have been a lurker as of late. Wanting to comment and post but not knowing what to say sometimes. I am supportive of everyone and look forward to your posts - I just haven't had the energy to both read and comment.