Thanks so much for all of the kind words on my last post. I think that it is going to take me a long time to feel okay. We are still not telling anyone. I just don't want to right now. I know that when we do share, whomever we tell will be so excited and I want to be able to match that excitement. And right now I am emotionally and physically exhausted.

We have had the option to find out the sex of the baby for a couple of weeks now (part of the CVS test results) and I have declined. TM would like to know and is wondering why I didn't ask before. I said that I wanted us to find out together at our next appt instead of over the phone, but the truth is, I feel like knowing the gender will make this so much more real for me. I want to be excited and happy, but I am afraid. Really afraid that if I do feel excited and happy that it could be taken away. Not rational, I know - but real to me nonetheless.

My next OB appt is Thursday........maybe I'll feel more confident then. My MIL & Dad are impatient for the remainder of the family to find out. But they are being patient.

Onto other things - J has been here for about a month now. Poor guy, the minute he gets here we hit crisis mode. He is unaware of everything that is going on and seems to be really happy. I am so glad that he is here. It feels like he has been a part of our family for a long time now. He has been great. I am amazed that he is such a happy kid even with all that he has been through. I need to take lessons from him! He started a sports activity and is doing really well in school. Halloween should be a lot of fun. We have already been to get pumpkins at a farm, gone to a fall festival, and on numerous fun shopping trips together. He loves to go go go. I truly think that God sent him to us. We need him just as much as he needs us.