Overwhelmed

Thanks so much to everyone checking in on me during the last few weeks. I appreciate your kind thoughts and support more than you could ever know. I apologize for not commenting too much lately - I will be catching up this weekend!

The past few weeks have been hard. Ranking up among the worst. I always thought that if I was ever blessed enough to become pregnant that I was going to enjoy each and every moment. I would be so excited to tell everyone, and I would anxiously await the impending arrival of our baby. This has not been the case so far.

Initially, I was excited and a little overwhelmed. I wasn't sure how to go forward from being a veteran IF and IVF'er to achieving the first goal - a beta. Then waiting on the second beta. Further onto the 1st ultrasound and second ultrasound. Seeing the 1st OB - who sucked, then onto the 2nd OB. Both betas looked great, first ultrasound indicated that a second ultrasound was necessary (required before graduation from the fertility clinic to the OB due to the heart rate not being as high on the first ultrasound as they would have liked). Graduation followed by a completely useless visit to the first OB with a switch to the new OB (who is great). Spotting throughout the first 12 weeks was scary, but the second OB assured me that this was not unusual.

During my appt with the 2nd OB (a Thursday), she wanted to do an ultrasound. She conducted the first few minutes and then left the tech to do all of the complicated measurements, etc. The tech turns out to be a former employee of my fertility clinic - so she knows what she is doing. Then out of nowhere - Whammo. She measured (consistently -took the measurement about 10 times) the NT at 2.7m. On the high side of normal.

Of course, I freaked out. We had already scheduled our first trimester screening for the next Monday - so I didn't need to make any appointments, but I knew enough to be concerned with this turn of events. Needless to say the next few days were really tense.

On the next Monday, I was in for the 1st trimester screening. Whammo again. NT measurement 2.8m. My blood was taken to run the PAPP-A (sp?) and the Beta HCG tests. Basically all three test results combined go into the computer and spit out your odds for Trisomy 13, 18, 21 and I think that there is one more. On Wednesday the results were in - 1:12 for Trisomy 21.

At this point, all of the waiting combined with the anxiety had kept me close to the edge of normal, but after the phone call from the genetic counselor with the 1:12 chance of Downs, I lost it. I was emotional, irrational, and basically a complete mess. I scheduled the CVS without a second thought. I had to know. I researched online about CVS, Trisomy 21, and read numerous numerous personal accounts of screening tests that were positive (although usually around 1:100 chance, no one had a result as high as mine).

The CVS test was scheduled for the next Monday (so far away from that Wednesday). Only one Dr. could do the test at my clinic and he was out of town. So after many anxious nights, contemplation, praying, and little to no sleep, Monday was here. The test itself was tough but once it was over I felt some relief.

We opted to do both the FISH test (similar to the PGD testing), with preliminary results coming back within 2-3 business days, and the more thorough test which tested all chromosomes but took 7-10 days.

We heard on Wednesday last week that the FISH test for Trisomy 13, 18, and 21 were all negative. I never cried so much in all my life. The feeling was unlike anything that I had ever felt before. Relief combined with guilt for assuming the worst. I kept thinking - what if things had gone the other way? I thanked God immediately and have everyday since.

And yesterday we got the results from the thorough test - normal on all counts. I can't believe it. God has truly blessed TM and I and our little one. I send my prayers of thanks to him every day. I was so scared - scared of the future, scared of myself, scared of everything. I realize now that I am not as strong a person as I thought I was. I am selfish for wanting everything to be okay and normal. I only thought of myself and how everything was going to affect me. I am really disappointed in myself. I don't feel like I deserve to be a mom.

I am so relieved that everything is okay - I just don't feel deserving. Does this make sense?

We haven't shared the news about the pregnancy with anyone since the last time that I posted - so almost everyone is still in the dark. I am still in my regular clothes (I lost some weight during this whole experience) so no one is suspecting. I am not sure when we will share the news.