Waiting is tough

This is probably my toughest cycle so far. I think that I say that about each cycle though. Maybe with the other ones I always felt like I had another chance. But this one seems final somehow......

TM and I were accepted a year and a half ago into a IVF guarantee program at our clinic. We both had to go through numerous tests and prove that we did not have any insurance that covered infertility to qualify. We ended up qualifying and were accepted into the program. It covered 4 cycles of IVF and any associated FET's. The Dr. talked to us and told us that in his opinion we did not need the program as my test results and age did not indicate any issues, but I am risk adverse. I felt like it was better to enter the program and not worry about anything financial should we have to go through two or more cycles. Of course, we passed the two cycle point some time ago.....

After our third retrieval cycle and associated FET failures, we sat down with our Dr. for yet another cycle review and he offered a donor egg cycle in place of our 4th and final guaranteed program cycle. We had been talking with the Dr. for some time that egg quality could be an issue for me particularly with the poor results of my first IVF retrieval cycle. He thought that this issue was confirmed with our repeated and consistent IVF failure.

All along we had considered DS due to TM's cancer history, but after our 3rd retrieval BFN we started to talk about DE. TM was very comfortable with both DE and DS. I was comfortable with DS but not DE. I felt like a failure. All these years, I always thought IVF would be easy for us since "there is nothing wrong with me" - I was so naive. It took me 2 FET cycles to become somewhat comfortable with DE probably due to the sheer pain factor of the BFN's combined with the positivity exhibited for DE from TM and my clinic. On the day of my last BFN, I was so frustrated, I just kept thinking "what is wrong with me", I was so tired and so disappointed. We scheduled our cycle review for a couple of days later and the Dr. made the DE offer. Since we had been talking about it for so long, and I had come to terms with the fact that my eggs are not working, we decided to take a look at the donors. We took a month or so off from all drugs and picked out a donor. Our clinic has a large donor program and does all of the preliminary work (medical and psychological testing, family history, etc.) before accepting a donor into their program. All that was left for us was to choose. It took about a month for our cycles to sync up and then we got started.

In reviewing my previous posts and comments, I didn't go into very much detail about DE while we were going through the selection process. I know that it seems like we jumped right in, when in fact it was a long drawn out process. I still am on the fence about all of the things that surround DE - who to tell, when to tell, what to tell, etc. Although we have chosen this route, it is still painful to me that this route is necessary. We have not shared DE with anyone outside of blog land and I don't anticipate that we will anytime soon.

I am still grieving about not being able to have a biological child. I am grieving about all of the potential children that we have lost. I am hoping that DE is the answer for us. I am worried that this next cycle will not work. Basically, I am a mess.

I know that whatever happens I will make it through. But it sure doesn't make the process any easier.

I didn't get an update on anything today.......we are still planning on transfer tomorrow unless we hear otherwise.