Wow, it's been awhile since my last post. So much to say. It's been an eventful couple of months! I am now 37w4d and counting. It seems almost unreal that we are really to this point. I still am in some sort of strange denial that this is actually happening to us.

We are still preparing for the little one's impending arrival. The nursery is almost complete and we have a few things left to purchase, but we would be ok if everything happened today. Pregnancy has been not without challenges - 1st trimester screening issues and eventual clean bill of health, flu and dehydration, anemia, and swelling - but that's been it! Everything else has been fine (so far). The baby is currently weighing in at 8lbs 5 oz and I still have at least a week and a half to go. My OB won't start talking induction until at least 39 weeks.

J is doing ok - not great. I am hoping that the transition with the new baby will improve but am doubting it. I am assuming that there will be an extremely tough road ahead. I never thought that his joining our family would be so difficult. It is not getting better.............and I am not sure what to do. TM and I are fully consumed with J - how can that possibly continue with a new baby? Any suggestions are appreciated. We have counseling for J at the house 2x per week or approx 5 hours per week. We have taken him in for the psychological eval but have not gotten the report back yet. He is not excited about the baby - expressing his annoyance verbally on a regular basis. I think that we are doing everything that we can at this point and now it is up to him. He can either live by our rules or he will need to contemplate his different options. Keep in mind - the rules are not tough: respecting others, no arguing, homework, chores, and keeping his hands to himself. Now, in all fairness, I am not experienced in the land of 12 year olds, but damn - is everything deserving of an argument? I am really concerned.

The thing that bothers me most (when I am feeling particularly down) is that my excitement about this baby has been undercut. I try not to feel this way knowing that J has had a tough road so far, but some days it is tough.

I'll post more on the pregnancy in my next post.

New Year's came and went again and while I was not super depressed this year like last year, I was still happy to see 2007 hit the road. I have so much anticipation built up for 2008 - it is exciting.

Everything is fairly constant here. J's transition has been extremely difficult. I am not sure if I have mentioned before that we have a counselor coming to see him two days per week. She is working with him currently on behavior issues. He is having some problems at school and we are addressing those, but mostly his behavior is terrible at home. It is frustrating that everyone else he comes into contact with thinks that he is such a great kid - polite, happy, interesting, etc. and then when he gets home he lashes out at TM and I. It's been tough. He is not at all happy that we are having a baby. He has said multiple times that he wants to be the only child and sometimes asks questions like - "If you were to get hit in the stomach would that hurt the baby?", or he'll look at my stomach and say "Is that thing kicking you". It just makes me so upset (but I don't show him that he is hurting me because then I know that it will just get worse) and I am not sure what to do about it. We have talked to the counselor about it and she does not think that this is anything more than issues that we can work through with him and that he is insecure about living with us. That he may get sent away. We are going to seek the help of a psychiatrist and have him evaluated. I am hoping that all of this works out, but TM and I have said that if there was ever a hint of violence that we would have to draw the line and could not continue in our foster capacity.

When I am being selfish, I get upset that I cannot be happier and more involved with being excited about this pregnancy. My time is taken up with work and everything J that I haven't been able to really concentrate on myself and the changes that I am going through. TM has been out of town with work recently (about one month in the past five weeks) so all of the burden with J has been on me. My parents have pretty much steered clear - I understand why they don't really want to help me out but it is frustrating having to do it alone.

Yesterday the counselor came by and assigned J some homework due on Monday about why he is trying to get attention with negative behavior. J is super pissed that the counselor is 1 - assigning him homework and 2 - that he has to do it (he has said that there is no point to him completing the assignment). So today should be fun trying to encourage him to complete his assignment. I have taken the approach that he knows what he needs to do today (school homework and counseling homework) and that he needs to plan out his day accordingly (he is 12 after all - time to understand timing and priorities). We talked about this this morning and again after church and he said that he understood. J's birthday is tomorrow and he has school, counseling, and basketball practice. So, I told him that we could go out for a special dinner tonight if he finished all of the above activities. We'll see how it goes. I am not going to back down. I can't back down or he will run all over me. I am so tired. I knew that having him here was going to be tough, but damn - this sucks.

I hate whining about all of this. Other people have much bigger problems and I am blessed in so many ways. But being strong is tough - I am hoping that I can relax soon, enjoy this pregnancy, and look forward to the birth of our baby.......

I have been a lurker as of late. Wanting to comment and post but not knowing what to say sometimes. I am supportive of everyone and look forward to your posts - I just haven't had the energy to both read and comment.

Happy Holidays to everyone in Blog Land. Things here are fairly busy with the holiday buzz, shopping, wrapping, etc. J is doing okay, but still needs a lot of work with the counselor. She comes about twice per week. He has been through a lot and we just need to be patient. It's so tough. I have to remember that TM and I are new to this too not just J........so we need to cut ourselves some slack too!

I had my 23 week appt this past week and everything looks to be going well. I didn't feel the baby too much yesterday and was worried this morning, but the little bugger is moving around quite a bit today - what a relief.

It's so strange to feel excitement instead of apprehension. Not to think constantly about when the next shoe is going to drop. It is such a strange emotion and I am not used to it. At all.

I have a friend who is also expecting (her third) and she is ho hum about the whole thing. Last weekend at a Christmas party all of the ladies were talking and everyone there had an "oops" pregnancy. How annoying. For some people pregnancy and healthy babies seem to be the easy and the norm. Why is it for others that so desperately want to have a baby that it is so difficult? The universe is fxxxxx up. Seriously. My prayers this holiday season will be for all fellow infertiles out there to have their holiday wish come true in the upcoming year. I know that this time of year is difficult for so many. I am right there with all of you. Every step of the way. Do not feel alone.

On another important note, please say a prayer for a dear friend of mine today. 5 years ago she was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Unfortunately, the cancer has returned. She is young with a beautiful two year old and wonderful husband. She is an inspiration to so many. Keep her in your thoughts this holiday season.

I am a delinquent poster. Sorry all, for the lack of updates.

Things here are going okay. J is adjusting to school and to our home. TM and I knew that starting off at parenting with an 11 year old would be tough, but didn't know how tough. J has been through a lot. Situations that no one, much less a child, should have to go through. I will save the family drama for another time as it is a long story. We have started him (and us) in counseling to help work through some of the current issues that we are having as well as working through some of the baggage that he inherited from his mother. So far the counseling is approximately 5 hours per week but we could increase it if we need to. Based upon today, it is looking like we will need to. Hopefully, all of this will work out to his (and our) benefit.

The counselor is helping TM and I with parenting skills as well. She is great. I really like her a lot.

Onto pregnancy updates - things are going well. We went into our 20 week us on Tuesday and everything seemed to be ok. I will be calling my Dr. tomorrow just to make sure. The radiology center that I went to sends the results to the Dr directly (takes two business days). The tech did say that she didn't see anything that she needed to bring to the attention to the radiologist and that he would be in if he felt that he needed to. He didn't show up. The tech also said that I would find out that day from my Dr. if there was an issue. So I am hoping that no news is good news.

I am feeling ok; getting big enough not to fit into my regular clothes so some shopping is in order, but it has been hard to make the time between the counseling, work, karate practice, yada yada - you know the drill. I wanted to be excited to go shopping so that is another reason that I have been putting it off. Now that the 20 week marker is behind us I am feeling more confident. I did buy a couple of shirts and pairs of jeans last weekend, but need some more shirts and pants for work. Also, probably a coat.

I have so much to say but have to run. Regular posts to follow. Thanks everyone for checking in with me. I really appreciate it.

Well, the second OB appt was yesterday. We visited with the NP instead of the OB. We won't see the OB until our Dec appt. I am comfortable with the NP so this is okay. This office is so great. I love it there. So glad that I switched.

I am definitely not used to not having ultrasounds all of the time. Yesterday was our first experience with the doppler instead of the ultrasound. Liking the doppler, very cool; however, not as cool as the good ol' US. So, we'll have to wait until 20 weeks for the next look. I am so hoping that the 20 week scan turns out with everything okay. I am still a mess with worry. I know that worrying the way that I am is not healthy and that putting off telling everyone is not rational, but I can't seem to let it go.

In all fairness to myself, this is nothing new. I worry about everything. I have been this way ever since I was little - will I get the question right in class? Does so and so like me? Yada Yada. That being said, I do prioritize my worrying. Right now, this pregnancy is occupying my full worry attention. The 1st trimester screening blood test came back with a low PAPP-A. This could indicate placental problems so from what the NP said it sounds like they have moved me to high risk for the 3rd trimester. Does anyone know anything about this? Info would be appreciated. The genetic counselor said that there could be some correlation but no one is quite sure. So, we will be getting US from 24 weeks on to make sure that the placenta is able to support the baby properly.

TM has laid down the law, so we will be telling the remainder of the family this weekend, but I negotiated to tell friends, work at a later date. TBD.

Trombone practice is painful

J is a great kid. Did you know that middle school kids have HAVE to play in the band? So, J picked the trombone.

Ol' McDonald has a farm - eieio. For an hour???? Argggghghghghghgh.

Thanks so much for all of the kind words on my last post. I think that it is going to take me a long time to feel okay. We are still not telling anyone. I just don't want to right now. I know that when we do share, whomever we tell will be so excited and I want to be able to match that excitement. And right now I am emotionally and physically exhausted.

We have had the option to find out the sex of the baby for a couple of weeks now (part of the CVS test results) and I have declined. TM would like to know and is wondering why I didn't ask before. I said that I wanted us to find out together at our next appt instead of over the phone, but the truth is, I feel like knowing the gender will make this so much more real for me. I want to be excited and happy, but I am afraid. Really afraid that if I do feel excited and happy that it could be taken away. Not rational, I know - but real to me nonetheless.

My next OB appt is Thursday........maybe I'll feel more confident then. My MIL & Dad are impatient for the remainder of the family to find out. But they are being patient.

Onto other things - J has been here for about a month now. Poor guy, the minute he gets here we hit crisis mode. He is unaware of everything that is going on and seems to be really happy. I am so glad that he is here. It feels like he has been a part of our family for a long time now. He has been great. I am amazed that he is such a happy kid even with all that he has been through. I need to take lessons from him! He started a sports activity and is doing really well in school. Halloween should be a lot of fun. We have already been to get pumpkins at a farm, gone to a fall festival, and on numerous fun shopping trips together. He loves to go go go. I truly think that God sent him to us. We need him just as much as he needs us.