Naive strikes again

Well - looks like this cycle is a bust. We were hoping for a BFP, but it is looking like a BFN. I went ahead and POS on Day 7p5dt and got a clear white screen. Not sure how accurate this method is.........however, would think that something would show up by now if I had a strong beta going on.

We were hoping that this time would be it, but we'll have to go for the FET. 2 blasts frozen this cycle.

Starting this cycle I was full of positivity....thinking that the first one would work! Ha - naive me strikes again. I am not as upset as in previous cycles.....not sure why.....probably the crazy work schedule which has had my undivided attention for some time now.

We are close to retrieval

This cycle has flown by.....can't believe that we are close to retrieval already. I hope that I have good news to post soon!

Not Fair

Thoughts of the day:

Just found out today that a friend of mine continues to struggle with her health. Just doesn't seem fair.....same old story - some people just don't get a break. If you have a moment - say a little prayer for her that the latest round of tests come back ok.

We were approved for shared risk again......unbelievable with my track record - we'll be signing the contract this week. Can't believe that we are in this place again. I say this as I have my laptop balanced on a toy dump truck. Funny how life works. I never thought that we would get this far, but here we are. I thank God every day. We are truly blessed.

Mothers Day came and went. The day still evokes too many negative feelings for me. Not sure if it relates to experiences with my mother or the struggle with infertility- need to think about this....or better yet, not waste anymore time on trying to figure it out. The second option is currently the front runner. Let's not waste anymore time on this one...

I currently know two special ladies that recently got BFP's with their latest IVF attempts. Hooray for them!

Back to Clinic I Go

Well - back to the clinic I go.....for a small procedure and then it's off to the starting gate (hopefully). Of course, we'll need to sign a mountain of paperwork and write a big fat check, but hey that's the way it goes. It is what it is.

Back to Posting?

Hi Everyone,

Not sure if anyone will still be keeping up with this blog but wanted to post an update.

Looks like we may try again.....we waited the mandatory year and now are ready to get started again. Some days can't believe that we are willing to do it all again, but I have to admit that I am excited about the prospect of potentially having another little one. Am I being naive? Too positive in light of our previous issues? Who knows - I am sure that I will go back and forth on this hundreds of times in the next few months.

Not looking forward to the process itself, but to the end result. Who knows if it will work out, but I do know that if I don't try that I will always wonder and wish that I did....

New day = New Post

In keeping with the doing something for me plan.....new day = new post.

I looked at my stat counter details today and it made me remember some things that I pushed out of my mind....the first trimester screening. What a horrible few weeks that was....Recently I met someone else that went through the same hell and he told me his story. While listening to him I actually experienced some of the same feelings that I felt during that time. I cannot express how awful that time was for TM and I. The uncertainty, fear, anger, disbelief, anxiety - I could go on and on. The elation that everything turned out to be ok was an overwhelming emotion. Every day I thank God that we have Baby J and that he is healthy. What a blessing.

This experience had such an effect that I don't know if I could ever go through that again, it was really tough.

On to other things....it's funny how once you are infertile you always think of yourself that way. I am still jealous of every pregnant woman that I see or hear about. I wonder why it can't be me. Maybe it's some kind of post traumatic stress related to two and a half years of complete hell. It is safe to say that both TM and I are still in recovery mode and probably will be for a long time to come. I still have 8 full sharps containers in my closet, stims in the fridge, estrogen in the bathroom cabinet, and my positive pregnancy tests in my bathroom drawer. I can't bring myself to get rid of any of it. Each day brings me closer and closer to getting some therapy. I am still so angry that we had to go through this. No one should have to go through this kind of hell. No one. Ever.

If anyone has any positive results from therapy let me know. I also am thinking about going back to acupuncture and starting to do some good old fashioned exercise. I really enjoyed acupuncture during one of my cycles and if I can find a practitioner close to the house (and it is not too expensive) I am going to give it another try.

Until tomorrow.........

Update

Hi All,

Haven't blogged in a while - same old story - working too much, not enough time in the day. But TM is telling me that I need to get back to doing something for me - so here we are. I enjoy blogging.....so I am going to try and keep up with posting and with my reading and comments.

Baby J is doing fine - he is a big guy - 4 months old tomorrow and weighing in at 16 lbs 14 oz. He is truly a blessing and I thank God every day that he is here and is healthy and happy. Wishing that he was a better napper, but you can't have it all.....

TM and I are adjusting to parenthood but it is tougher than I expected. I always thought that I knew that life would change but you don't really realize all of the little changes that have to be made. No longer can I run into the convenience store for just a soda, or stop at just any ATM - the concept of drive-through takes on a whole new meaning - its not just convenient - it saves my back. Venturing out during naptime means listening to whining the entire day - and at Casa CE whining is not tolerated well. But we are taking it all in stride - Baby J goes everywhere with us and he does very well most of the time.

Big J is still challenging - the therapists now think that he a high functioning form of autism. We are working through how to deal with that.

Somedays I am very resentful with Big J - he takes up so much of our time (with behavior issues) that we are not always able to enjoy Baby J. It is frustrating. Consequences don't have any impact on his behavior and talking is not working. Extended family members are not enjoying having the entire family over because he is so difficult. I am at a loss as to what to do.

At this point, I am taking every day an hour at a time......

Looking forward to catching up with everyone....and hope to start making it again to the TOOTPU get togethers.